I can’t claim to be an expert in the area of DATING, but I’ve been around (no, not in that way… bastards) enough to be in a position to bring you a few words of advice on the subject.

So men, next time you are interested in a girl and have a date with said female, here are a few guidelines on what to do, and what NOT to do.

DO: Open the door for your date. Yes yes, it might seem old-fashioned, even medieval, but I assure you, even the most open minded and laid back girls notice and appreciate the gesture.
DON’T: When a woman shows you her injury, no matter how little, smacking her on the bruise and calling her a “pussy” is NOT in good form.

DO: If you ask her out, DO plan on paying for the first date. Some might argue that in the getting-to-know-you stage, it’s OK to ask her to pay her half. That’s a negative kids. If you’re the asker, be the payer as well.
DON’T: After a meal, don’t look around and then suddenly remember that you left your wallet in your car. Lame. Dumb. And antics of a 18 year old frat boy. Even then it wasn’t cool.

DO: We’re all adults here, so I’m not going to pretend that kissing on a first date doesn’t happen (kissing WHERE is a whole other subject). If the chemistry between you two is flying out of your eyes and genitals, and your date seems receptive to a kiss, go for it. But be respectful. You buying her dinner does not, unfortunately, give you free access to her vagina.
DON’T: In an attempt to be cute or charming, DO NOT pinch or slap your date’s ass. Unless of course her name is “Candy” and she watches NASCAR and grew up in Arkansas.

DO: Go into a date with an open mind and few expectations. I’m not saying that you lower your standards, I’m just saying that it’s a good idea to give a girl a chance before you make any rash decisions.
DON’T: Under NO circumstances should you ever tell a girl that she should stop dating other people and that you think you two will someday be married BEFORE the first date. Or even on it. Or even right after it. I don’t care what the Angel Moroni told you… shut your mouth!

DO: Treat your date with respect.
DON’T: No matter how hot your date is, or how horny you are, OR how much you can just see it in her eyes that she wants you to… NEVER EVER EVER masterbate in front of your date. Or on the date at all. Hey, what you do once you are IN a relationship is all well and good, but whacking it while your date cowers on the couch is not only bad form, it’s practically abuse. This practice is not OK… ever.

DO: Feel free to talk about your hopes and dreams. It’s OK to mention an ex in passing, but keep the conversation casual and leave the intensity out of it.
DON’T: This next “don’t” is not only in the beginning stages of dating, but includes ANY type of relationship: Under no circumstances do you talk about how you might not be ready to date (because you might still be in love with your ex wife) directly after sex. Enough said.

DO: Be relaxed on a date. It’s OK to kick back and just enjoy the moment. Be attentive, but have fun!
DON’T: It’s probably not a good idea to take 3-6 shots of whisky BEFORE your date begins. And it’s definitely not a good idea to, while drunk, take your date to a movie, grope her boobs, be rude to the concession stand people, and then pass out and hit your date in the head with your own bulbous noggin.

I hope that this has been helpful to those of you men out there than need a little help in the fun filled world of dating. Remember kids: Smile, don’t get shit facd, and keep it in your pants until it’s beckoned.