My Last Rant - About This One

I’m on my way to Lake Powell tomorrow. It’s my annual Memorial Day/It’s my Birthday trip. It’s the one vacation that I go on WITHOUT my kids that I look forward most each year.

I am so damn grumpy today that I can’t even make myself excited about it. That and the stupid weather forecast does not look good.

Back to my bitching.

I hate feeling the way I do right now. I’m angry, hurt, bitter, sad, confused, and slightly disgusted with myself. If there were a pill to cure it, I’d gladly become a “whatever-the-name-of-that-pill-is” whore.

I should have listened to my rational and smart self and not other relationship dorks out there. I shouldn’t have sent the email. Instead of feeling better… having some kind of closure… it cracked open a door. A door that leads nowhere but to DIP SHIT LAND.

My note was not insulting, or even very emotional. It was very matter of fact. Frankly, I’m proud of the level of maturity I showed. His response:

“I’m sorry I hurt you, I really am. I ended up having a really bad week. ***** (his daughter) became sick, the state came after me for the bill etc, and I ended up having to get a biopsy today and I will be out of doing anything for a while. I will call you next week. I am not a prick and I didn’t want to hurt you or your kids. But apparently I am a little sick again. Nothing makes my disapearing ok, but I am sorry, and I do apologize, and I will call you next week.”

All together now… Awwww.

It might have held some weight had he not said everything that he did, and had everything that happened between us not happened.

And it might have even been more convincing had I not seen him online later that night trolling the internet dating site where we met. Yes, you must be in SOOO much pain and SOOO stressed. Hitting up da ladies is how I always get feeling better.

Your bullshit excuse isn’t comforting… It’s just adding to the pile of excrement that you have already shoveled on top of my head.

I was willing to overlook and support you with regards to everything… the broken car, the “illness”, the lame job, etc. That is when I thought I knew the man that you were. All that I see is a big defective used maxi-pad.

So take you sore little prostate and shove it further up your ass.

OK, the rant is over.

I hope that I have fun at the lake. I hope that I’m able to put this all behind me and come back into town with a fresh prespective and healed heart.

 

The Dating Do’s and Don’ts - Part 2

Part 1 was a good start, and here’s the continuation. Once you are dating someone, here’s a few clues on what you should do, and things to avoid:

DO: If you’re interested in a woman, it’s OK to say so. But make sure that your words actually match how you feel.
DON’T: Don’t tell a woman that you feel like she may be the one. Or that you’ve never been this excited about any woman ever (even your former wife). Or that you’re not going anywhere. Or that you’re excited to see her, just to never actually speak to her again. It’s cruel and it’s childish.

DO: Have an actual working car if you plan on dating someone.
DON’T: Don’t tell the woman you’re dating that your car just broke down and that you’re getting it fixed this week when in 3 weeks, you still have the same story. If you can’t afford to fix your car, or be bothered with doing it, you’re not ready to be dating.

DO: Be thoughtful when dating a woman with children. If you’re not willing to settle down with someone with kids, don’t date her. If you are OK with the kids thing, great… but realize that you’re not just dating the mom. It’s a package deal.
DON’T: When a mom is in a hospital waiting room while her daughter is having surgery, do not say “this is the last time you’ll go through this alone” unless those are actually your intentions. ALSO, never tell a woman’s child that you’re planning a play date with her and your own child unless you are going to do it.

DO: Hey, not all relationships work out. It’s OK. If your feelings change or feel like things aren’t working out, be honest and communicate your feelings.
DON’T: DO NOT just walk away without saying anything. It’s not OK to just change your profile from “seeing someone and seeing how that works out” to “out and about” without actually telling the person you’re dating. Show a little bit of respect. Hopefully at some point you actually cared about that persons feelings. And even if you want out, pulling a David Copperfield and up and vanishing is not cool. NOT COOL. It’s creepy and cowardly.

DO: Texting… it can be a good thing. If you are in a meeting or out with friends, and don’t want to be entirely rude by making a phone call, it’s pretty handy. But call once in awhile. Women like to hear your voice. We want to know what you’re thinking about us. We need a little confirmation and reassurance like everyone else. Unless you are under 18, at least try to act like a man and pick up the phone, dial her phone number, move your lips and push some air between them.
DON’T: Do not tell a woman that you are going to call her if you aren’t. In fact, don’t make any promises that you don’t intend to keep. You may be an asshole, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a lying asshole.

I hope that this has been another helpful installment of Dating Do’s and Don’ts. Until next time.

 

Make That 100

That 1% I was holding out for, or hoping for?

I’m changing that statistic to 100%.

 

How To NOT Win A Girls Affection

After a few weeks of emailing back and forth, a man that contacted me through myspace asked me to text him (just because I’m so “funny” and “cute” and he wants to get to know me better).

Here is the text string from last night, spelling and all:

ME: “Hey, it’s Megan, your favorite new friend. I’m at a concert, but told you I’d text you, so, Hi :)”

HIM: “Who are you i dont kno a megan.”

ME: “WOW. Ok then.”

HIM: “where did u get my number.”

ME: “I got it when you emailed it to me and asked me to text you… Jackass.”

HIM: “Oh god i’m sorry i have been getting crazy text from 3 or 4 diff numbers. Please exuse me I may have not known ur name yet when i sent u that i am so sorry megan.”

ME: “Lol. I know how hard it is to keep us all straight.”

HIM: “Sorry megan i do kno its ********* (my myspace user name) u caught me offguard.”

ME: “Don’t worry about it.”

He professed his embarrassment and apologized some more.

Yes, in this online world of meeting people, it can get confusing. But, “Buddy”, you not even remembering my name after almost 2 weeks of emails is not the best way to convince me that you find me intriguing or fascinating.

I’m not impressed.

 

Banned

I am banning myself from watching any movies that have the following plots: Movies that have nerdishly cute men who are in love with that girl next door. Movies in which men lose their one “true” love and then gain new wisdom and win their bitch back. Movies with endearing men who lose the girl they THOUGHT was the dream girl, and then find their actual “soul mate”. Movies in which the nice girl ends up with the great guy.

Frankly, everyday is enough of a reminder of how I am never the above mentioned girl. Unfortunately, I’ve been assigned the roll of the distraction girl… the TRANSITIONER.

So I’m sticking to movies with zombies, war, and anything made by Christopher Guest.

 

A Pathetic Attempt

As I’ve stated in about 3089 previous posts, dating sucks.

Wanna know what blows even more? Being single.

More specifically, being a 32 (almost 33) year old divorcé (typing that word makes me want to vomit only slightly less than when I say it), single mom with NO prospects sucks. Although I guess when I’ve removed myself from the dating ’scene’, it’s to be expected.

As I lay here alone, aside from Peter and Phoebe (the beginnings of my soon to be cat lady collection), now is a good time to remember all of the GOOD things about being single.

In no specific order:

1. I can actually get some decent sleep at night. My ex used to snore so loudly that almost nightly I thought about killing him in his sleep. I’m not even kidding. I used to fantasize about smothering him with his pillow. Yes, it might be a little dramatic, but sleep deprivation at 2 a.m. does crazy things to a woman. Now I want to kill him all of the time
2. No more pubic and/or copious amounts of body hair in the shower.
3. I get Tuesday & Thursday evenings and every other weekend “off”.
4. I can eat cereal for dinner and don’t hear the bitching that went a little something like this, “If it’s not meat, it’s not dinner”.
5. I no longer have to scrub the remnants from his explosive ass off of the inside of the toilet bowl (too much information?).

Ah, fuck this list. Who am I kidding, being single sucks.

 

The Do’s and Don’ts of Dating - Part 1

I can’t claim to be an expert in the area of DATING, but I’ve been around (no, not in that way… bastards) enough to be in a position to bring you a few words of advice on the subject.

So men, next time you are interested in a girl and have a date with said female, here are a few guidelines on what to do, and what NOT to do.

DO: Open the door for your date. Yes yes, it might seem old-fashioned, even medieval, but I assure you, even the most open minded and laid back girls notice and appreciate the gesture.
DON’T: When a woman shows you her injury, no matter how little, smacking her on the bruise and calling her a “pussy” is NOT in good form.

DO: If you ask her out, DO plan on paying for the first date. Some might argue that in the getting-to-know-you stage, it’s OK to ask her to pay her half. That’s a negative kids. If you’re the asker, be the payer as well.
DON’T: After a meal, don’t look around and then suddenly remember that you left your wallet in your car. Lame. Dumb. And antics of a 18 year old frat boy. Even then it wasn’t cool.

DO: We’re all adults here, so I’m not going to pretend that kissing on a first date doesn’t happen (kissing WHERE is a whole other subject). If the chemistry between you two is flying out of your eyes and genitals, and your date seems receptive to a kiss, go for it. But be respectful. You buying her dinner does not, unfortunately, give you free access to her vagina.
DON’T: In an attempt to be cute or charming, DO NOT pinch or slap your date’s ass. Unless of course her name is “Candy” and she watches NASCAR and grew up in Arkansas.

DO: Go into a date with an open mind and few expectations. I’m not saying that you lower your standards, I’m just saying that it’s a good idea to give a girl a chance before you make any rash decisions.
DON’T: Under NO circumstances should you ever tell a girl that she should stop dating other people and that you think you two will someday be married BEFORE the first date. Or even on it. Or even right after it. I don’t care what the Angel Moroni told you… shut your mouth!

DO: Treat your date with respect.
DON’T: No matter how hot your date is, or how horny you are, OR how much you can just see it in her eyes that she wants you to… NEVER EVER EVER masterbate in front of your date. Or on the date at all. Hey, what you do once you are IN a relationship is all well and good, but whacking it while your date cowers on the couch is not only bad form, it’s practically abuse. This practice is not OK… ever.

DO: Feel free to talk about your hopes and dreams. It’s OK to mention an ex in passing, but keep the conversation casual and leave the intensity out of it.
DON’T: This next “don’t” is not only in the beginning stages of dating, but includes ANY type of relationship: Under no circumstances do you talk about how you might not be ready to date (because you might still be in love with your ex wife) directly after sex. Enough said.

DO: Be relaxed on a date. It’s OK to kick back and just enjoy the moment. Be attentive, but have fun!
DON’T: It’s probably not a good idea to take 3-6 shots of whisky BEFORE your date begins. And it’s definitely not a good idea to, while drunk, take your date to a movie, grope her boobs, be rude to the concession stand people, and then pass out and hit your date in the head with your own bulbous noggin.

I hope that this has been helpful to those of you men out there than need a little help in the fun filled world of dating. Remember kids: Smile, don’t get shit facd, and keep it in your pants until it’s beckoned.

 

What About the Nice Girls!?

This past year… even this past week… I’ve read about, engaged in conversations regarding, and have thought about the whole “nice guys finish last” scenario.

OK, so we’ve all heard the story.. Nice guys get used, passed over, and are treated like the “friend”. They are amazing, selfless, etc, blah blah blah.

Lets take a look at what Wikipedia says about Nice Guys

Maybe there are women out there that DO like jerks and get off on the challenge that an asshole presents. But I am here to say that I AM NOT ONE OF THESE WOMEN. And there are others out there like me.

I don’t like it when men are rude, conceited, don’t call, play games, are aloof, are selfish, etc. Those are characteristics that I see as FLAWS, and are huge turnoffs for me.

I’m not all that concerned with power or success (as defined by most people), and am rarely attracted to men who most consider “hot”. Often these men have a certain air of arrogance that causes me to RUN in the opposite direction. I tend to like guys that are more “cute” or even nerdy. Money doesn’t do anything for me, and I don’t give a shit what you drive.

I’m not saying that I don’t have standards, because I do. But they are more in the areas of honesty, empathy, sense of humor, treating me with respect, and so on and so forth.

Truth be told, I have never actually met a “nice guy”. At least one who is “nice” in the way I read the definition. The men that come closest to matching the above description still have some sort of attribute that keeps them from fully embodying that which makes a “nice guy”.

They are either married, alcoholics, egotistical, want to get in every (any) girls pants, liars, ad nauseum.

So men, don’t cry to me about how you’re so nice and how women treat you so bad. I’ve said it before and I’m sure I’ll say it again: Nice guys don’t finish last… they are just chasing the wrong kind of prey. They spend so much time focusing on the “dream girl”, the one they just can’t seem to capture (which makes them OH so much more appealing) that they can’t see what is right in front of them.

So to all of you “nice guys” out there… You do the same thing to the “nice girl” that other women do to you.

In MY humble opinion, and from someone who really is looking for a “nice guy”, we’re not all that different from you. So pull your head out and realize that you’re not a victim of your own niceties… you’re just really not as nice as you think you are.

 

Justice Prevails!

There is a first time for everything. A first for me… involved in my first ever small claims case.

I’ll skip the oh so exciting details, suffice it to say that I was wronged, and decided to take legal action.

After I filed my claim in small claims court, the VP of the company who I am suing contacted me a few times in an attempt to “settle”. WHAT he offered was absolutely ridiculous. Frankly, it was insulting. After a conversation with him a few weeks ago, and after I declined his lame-ass offer, I told him I’d see him in court, which was scheduled for this coming Wednesday.

Today I got a call from the VP’s assistant. They are giving me everything I asked for in my complaint, including my court costs. I guess even they didn’t buy their “we did nothing wrong” excuse.

What do I have to say about this? WOO HOO!

I feel vindicated! Justice truly prevailed.

 

Comings and Goings

Because I KNOW you’re so curious about what’s going on in my life:

• Back on the running/lifting routine. Which also includes many meals that I’m pretty sure have cardboard as the main ingredients. Oh, that’s called “whole grain”. Delicious.
• I got sunburned last Monday while working in the yard. It was nice enough that I wore a tank top. Saturday, we got 6 inches of snow. Insert most appropriate expletive.
• A welcomed return of my “who cares” attitude where men and relationships are concerned, or “love” in general. Ahhh… sweet relief.
• I’m desperately trying to get ready for the annual “Easter in St. George” trip. And not only do I still have to shop for and pack all the Easter bullshit stuff for my kids, my son’s birthday is on the 22nd. I haven’t gotten ANYTHING for him yet. UGGG! And I still have to pack for myself AND my 3 kids. AND there is a Eater parade/program thing at my son’s school, which is fine, except that I’m short on time (which begs the question…What in the hell am I doing writing this post?). And all I really want to do is take a nap.
• The seller of one of my listings is an alcoholic. So when agents call to schedule a showing, I can’t cuz he’s drunk at home and the house stinks. SHIT!
• Despite about one week of serious sleep deprivation (last night was one of the worst), I’m feeling pretty good. A little feisty maybe, but good.
• My niece (the one bitten by the rattlesnake) is doing well and at home. They expect a full recovery
• I’ve been “tested” a couple of times, and done myself proud.

So wish me well with the preparations for and the actual journey. I hope I survive.