Next Time Just Bitch Slap Me

After my last failed relationship just over a month ago, and in a very late (1 a.m.) moment of weakness, I joined millions of singles and put my love life in the hands of an online dating site.

I’ve done the online “thing” on and off since my divorce, and each time, I tell myself I won’t do it again. Because for the most part, I don’t think online dating works. Of course there are always exceptions to the rules. I had a couple of decent, even (seemingly) good dates this go-around. But in general, online dating blows, and not in a good way.

That’s why I’m asking that the next time I even THINK about joining another site, please, stop me. I don’t care how, just intervene. Pry the keyboard away from my sex deprived hands, take a white glove (picture French gentleman, 17th century), and lovingly smack the shit out of me. And in case I forget to tell you later, thanks.

 

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

The past few years my love life has been disappointing to say the least.

I have felt like something was missing. That something was the love of a good man. But the “good man” proved to be a very elusive specimen. Who knew that I was just looking for the right thing in all the wrong places.

On that note, let me be the first to introduce you all to George! Our meeting would have never been possible had it not been for my amazing friend Carlie, who blessed me with this birthday gift! Thank you my dear

He is everything I could have hoped for and more (or I suppose I should say and less… the instructions clearly state: “WARNING: This is not THAT type of inflatable and therefore coitus is not recommended”. Yeah, so what! What he is “missing” in some areas he makes up by being a wonderful companion). He is only about 3 feet tall, but I am not one to judge someone just because they don’t fit the unrealistic standards of what society says is attractive. Like having real hair, or a pulse.

Here are just a few photos of George and I living it up. Not only is he a tender (often to a fault) lover, he is also a wonderful cook, has great stamina while working out, is great with the dog AND the kids, and gives great foot rubs in the tub :). Jealous girls? Get your own damn husband! The very best part is that my kids started calling him “Dad” the very first day without ANY prompting at all. Shit sugar, we’re a family!

Great things can come in small packages (NOT always the case)

Who knew something so plastic could be so romantic?!

George has some serious skills in the kitchen

A true sweetheart!

 

My Last Rant - About This One

I’m on my way to Lake Powell tomorrow. It’s my annual Memorial Day/It’s my Birthday trip. It’s the one vacation that I go on WITHOUT my kids that I look forward most each year.

I am so damn grumpy today that I can’t even make myself excited about it. That and the stupid weather forecast does not look good.

Back to my bitching.

I hate feeling the way I do right now. I’m angry, hurt, bitter, sad, confused, and slightly disgusted with myself. If there were a pill to cure it, I’d gladly become a “whatever-the-name-of-that-pill-is” whore.

I should have listened to my rational and smart self and not other relationship dorks out there. I shouldn’t have sent the email. Instead of feeling better… having some kind of closure… it cracked open a door. A door that leads nowhere but to DIP SHIT LAND.

My note was not insulting, or even very emotional. It was very matter of fact. Frankly, I’m proud of the level of maturity I showed. His response:

“I’m sorry I hurt you, I really am. I ended up having a really bad week. ***** (his daughter) became sick, the state came after me for the bill etc, and I ended up having to get a biopsy today and I will be out of doing anything for a while. I will call you next week. I am not a prick and I didn’t want to hurt you or your kids. But apparently I am a little sick again. Nothing makes my disapearing ok, but I am sorry, and I do apologize, and I will call you next week.”

All together now… Awwww.

It might have held some weight had he not said everything that he did, and had everything that happened between us not happened.

And it might have even been more convincing had I not seen him online later that night trolling the internet dating site where we met. Yes, you must be in SOOO much pain and SOOO stressed. Hitting up da ladies is how I always get feeling better.

Your bullshit excuse isn’t comforting… It’s just adding to the pile of excrement that you have already shoveled on top of my head.

I was willing to overlook and support you with regards to everything… the broken car, the “illness”, the lame job, etc. That is when I thought I knew the man that you were. All that I see is a big defective used maxi-pad.

So take you sore little prostate and shove it further up your ass.

OK, the rant is over.

I hope that I have fun at the lake. I hope that I’m able to put this all behind me and come back into town with a fresh prespective and healed heart.

 

The Dating Do’s and Don’ts - Part 2

Part 1 was a good start, and here’s the continuation. Once you are dating someone, here’s a few clues on what you should do, and things to avoid:

DO: If you’re interested in a woman, it’s OK to say so. But make sure that your words actually match how you feel.
DON’T: Don’t tell a woman that you feel like she may be the one. Or that you’ve never been this excited about any woman ever (even your former wife). Or that you’re not going anywhere. Or that you’re excited to see her, just to never actually speak to her again. It’s cruel and it’s childish.

DO: Have an actual working car if you plan on dating someone.
DON’T: Don’t tell the woman you’re dating that your car just broke down and that you’re getting it fixed this week when in 3 weeks, you still have the same story. If you can’t afford to fix your car, or be bothered with doing it, you’re not ready to be dating.

DO: Be thoughtful when dating a woman with children. If you’re not willing to settle down with someone with kids, don’t date her. If you are OK with the kids thing, great… but realize that you’re not just dating the mom. It’s a package deal.
DON’T: When a mom is in a hospital waiting room while her daughter is having surgery, do not say “this is the last time you’ll go through this alone” unless those are actually your intentions. ALSO, never tell a woman’s child that you’re planning a play date with her and your own child unless you are going to do it.

DO: Hey, not all relationships work out. It’s OK. If your feelings change or feel like things aren’t working out, be honest and communicate your feelings.
DON’T: DO NOT just walk away without saying anything. It’s not OK to just change your profile from “seeing someone and seeing how that works out” to “out and about” without actually telling the person you’re dating. Show a little bit of respect. Hopefully at some point you actually cared about that persons feelings. And even if you want out, pulling a David Copperfield and up and vanishing is not cool. NOT COOL. It’s creepy and cowardly.

DO: Texting… it can be a good thing. If you are in a meeting or out with friends, and don’t want to be entirely rude by making a phone call, it’s pretty handy. But call once in awhile. Women like to hear your voice. We want to know what you’re thinking about us. We need a little confirmation and reassurance like everyone else. Unless you are under 18, at least try to act like a man and pick up the phone, dial her phone number, move your lips and push some air between them.
DON’T: Do not tell a woman that you are going to call her if you aren’t. In fact, don’t make any promises that you don’t intend to keep. You may be an asshole, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a lying asshole.

I hope that this has been another helpful installment of Dating Do’s and Don’ts. Until next time.

 

Make That 100

That 1% I was holding out for, or hoping for?

I’m changing that statistic to 100%.

 

Mother’s Day Realization

This Mother’s Day, as my kids gave me the cute cards they created, it hit me. It’s me who should be thanking them.

Things I’ve learned from my kids:

• Acceptance: They accept everyone just as they are. My oldest doesn’t care that his best friend comes from a poor family. He doesn’t mind that one of his friends in school is black. They don’t notice if someone is wearing jeans from Wal-mart or a designer brand. They don’t care if someone talks a little funny, or acts a little weird. They see the qualities in people that really matter.
• Trust: Maybe it’s the lack of life experience, but it’s a quality I love in them. They trust people even when given a reason not to. Even when I let them down they don’t become jaded or bitter… they move past it and believe in me again.
• Forgiveness: They are true masters in forgiving and forgetting. They may fight and argue, but they don’t hold grudges. One steals a toy, the other throws a punch. But 5 minutes later, they are laughing and playing together.
• Love: Being a mom has taught me more about love than any other relationship I’ve been in. From the moment they took their first breaths, the unconditional love that I have feel for them has been indescribable. There is nothing that they could do that would ever change that. They have taught me to love unconditionally and fiercely.
• Patience: Sitting in isolation in a hospital room for 5 days would be enough to drive anyone crazy. But the way that Emma took it all in stride was truly amazing. She didn’t EVER complain when they poked her numerous times a day to draw blood. She didn’t cry because the nurses kept coming in at night to take vital signs. She hasn’t whined about having to sit still for hours while she receives her i.v. antibiotics at home.
• Attitude: They have the most positive attitudes of anyone I’ve known. They can take a seemingly crappy situation and see the good and potential fun in it.
• Fun: My kids can have enjoy themselves anywhere! Even when I’m feeling tired or grumpy, they have a way of making even the most mundane tasks like making lunch fun. They say the cutest things that can’t help but make me smile.
• Relationships: They have a pure appreciation for the people in their lives. They don’t see people as disposable commodities.
• Honesty: Sometimes embarrassingly so, my kids are honest to the core. They have not learned to warp the truth to meet sugar coat things or manipulate. If they are hurt, you know about it. If they are happy, you feel that as well.
• Empathy: When they hear a story about a child dying, they cry for them. At my grandmothers funeral, they softly touched her face and whispered their goodbyes in her ear. And then went over to my sad mother and gave her a hug and told her it would be OK. When they see me upset or grumpy, they are quick to throw their arms around my neck and tell me that they love me.
• Romance: Being a single mom, and back in the dating shark infested waters pool, they have indirectly helped me to make some of the best choices in possible mates. On my own I may have settled for someone that probably was not right for me. But being a mom and wanting the best for my children has forced me to “weed” out undesirable men (maybe not as soon as I should have, but it’s the result that counts, right?) that I may have otherwise settled for. They have helped me to realize not only what I want and need for myself, but also for them.
• Selflessness: I believe that it is human nature to (at times) be selfish. It’s not always a bad thing. But being a mom has taught me how to put my own desires aside to accomplish a bigger (and more important) goal.
• Joy: I remember thinking about what my life as a wife and a mother would look like. In some ways it is very much that way. But many things didn’t turn out as I expected. The years since my children were born have brought many “trials”. But I can say that each and every one of them has taught me something about myself. Most poignantly, about joy. This may be the biggest lesson I’ve learned from my little ankle bitters: Even though it may look different than the picture painted in my head, I am blessed. I feel joy from the simple things in my life. A kind of joy that no car, home, hot tub or job can provide.

By no means do I claim to have perfect children. Sometimes they throw fits. Sometimes they cry. Sometimes they get on my last nerve and test my patience. Sometimes I think about selling them to the gypsies.

But I can with certainty say that I’m better because of them. They unknowingly help me strive daily to be a better mom, woman, lover, friend, ex-wife, daughter, and person. They keep me grounded and enable me to see the big picture. Their existence brings me a clarity and gives my life purpose beyond just living day to day.

I feel blessed to be their mother. I am in awe of their goodness. I pray that I can be the mother that they deserve and hope that in spite of my downfalls, they will become the amazing people they have the potential to be.

This post is dedicated to my children — who have taught me more in 8 years than I could have learned in a lifetime without them:

 

One In A Hundred

Time and time again, I have cursed the world of online dating. I won’t go into the gory details of why, suffice it to say that for the most part, I don’t think it works. I’m going to throw out a statistic that has NO support or science behind it whatsoever: You have about a 1% chance of finding love online. OUCH!

Since my divorce almost 2 years ago, I’ve joined a number of sites on and off, which have pretty much yielded the same results: Nothing good.

While I think that meeting people in the “real” world dramatically increases your chances of finding a match that will ’stick’, sometimes all it takes is that 1%. I’m hoping that this one actually happens to be that one in a hundred.

 

How To NOT Win A Girls Affection

After a few weeks of emailing back and forth, a man that contacted me through myspace asked me to text him (just because I’m so “funny” and “cute” and he wants to get to know me better).

Here is the text string from last night, spelling and all:

ME: “Hey, it’s Megan, your favorite new friend. I’m at a concert, but told you I’d text you, so, Hi :)”

HIM: “Who are you i dont kno a megan.”

ME: “WOW. Ok then.”

HIM: “where did u get my number.”

ME: “I got it when you emailed it to me and asked me to text you… Jackass.”

HIM: “Oh god i’m sorry i have been getting crazy text from 3 or 4 diff numbers. Please exuse me I may have not known ur name yet when i sent u that i am so sorry megan.”

ME: “Lol. I know how hard it is to keep us all straight.”

HIM: “Sorry megan i do kno its ********* (my myspace user name) u caught me offguard.”

ME: “Don’t worry about it.”

He professed his embarrassment and apologized some more.

Yes, in this online world of meeting people, it can get confusing. But, “Buddy”, you not even remembering my name after almost 2 weeks of emails is not the best way to convince me that you find me intriguing or fascinating.

I’m not impressed.

 

Banned

I am banning myself from watching any movies that have the following plots: Movies that have nerdishly cute men who are in love with that girl next door. Movies in which men lose their one “true” love and then gain new wisdom and win their bitch back. Movies with endearing men who lose the girl they THOUGHT was the dream girl, and then find their actual “soul mate”. Movies in which the nice girl ends up with the great guy.

Frankly, everyday is enough of a reminder of how I am never the above mentioned girl. Unfortunately, I’ve been assigned the roll of the distraction girl… the TRANSITIONER.

So I’m sticking to movies with zombies, war, and anything made by Christopher Guest.

 

The Do’s and Don’ts of Dating - Part 1

I can’t claim to be an expert in the area of DATING, but I’ve been around (no, not in that way… bastards) enough to be in a position to bring you a few words of advice on the subject.

So men, next time you are interested in a girl and have a date with said female, here are a few guidelines on what to do, and what NOT to do.

DO: Open the door for your date. Yes yes, it might seem old-fashioned, even medieval, but I assure you, even the most open minded and laid back girls notice and appreciate the gesture.
DON’T: When a woman shows you her injury, no matter how little, smacking her on the bruise and calling her a “pussy” is NOT in good form.

DO: If you ask her out, DO plan on paying for the first date. Some might argue that in the getting-to-know-you stage, it’s OK to ask her to pay her half. That’s a negative kids. If you’re the asker, be the payer as well.
DON’T: After a meal, don’t look around and then suddenly remember that you left your wallet in your car. Lame. Dumb. And antics of a 18 year old frat boy. Even then it wasn’t cool.

DO: We’re all adults here, so I’m not going to pretend that kissing on a first date doesn’t happen (kissing WHERE is a whole other subject). If the chemistry between you two is flying out of your eyes and genitals, and your date seems receptive to a kiss, go for it. But be respectful. You buying her dinner does not, unfortunately, give you free access to her vagina.
DON’T: In an attempt to be cute or charming, DO NOT pinch or slap your date’s ass. Unless of course her name is “Candy” and she watches NASCAR and grew up in Arkansas.

DO: Go into a date with an open mind and few expectations. I’m not saying that you lower your standards, I’m just saying that it’s a good idea to give a girl a chance before you make any rash decisions.
DON’T: Under NO circumstances should you ever tell a girl that she should stop dating other people and that you think you two will someday be married BEFORE the first date. Or even on it. Or even right after it. I don’t care what the Angel Moroni told you… shut your mouth!

DO: Treat your date with respect.
DON’T: No matter how hot your date is, or how horny you are, OR how much you can just see it in her eyes that she wants you to… NEVER EVER EVER masterbate in front of your date. Or on the date at all. Hey, what you do once you are IN a relationship is all well and good, but whacking it while your date cowers on the couch is not only bad form, it’s practically abuse. This practice is not OK… ever.

DO: Feel free to talk about your hopes and dreams. It’s OK to mention an ex in passing, but keep the conversation casual and leave the intensity out of it.
DON’T: This next “don’t” is not only in the beginning stages of dating, but includes ANY type of relationship: Under no circumstances do you talk about how you might not be ready to date (because you might still be in love with your ex wife) directly after sex. Enough said.

DO: Be relaxed on a date. It’s OK to kick back and just enjoy the moment. Be attentive, but have fun!
DON’T: It’s probably not a good idea to take 3-6 shots of whisky BEFORE your date begins. And it’s definitely not a good idea to, while drunk, take your date to a movie, grope her boobs, be rude to the concession stand people, and then pass out and hit your date in the head with your own bulbous noggin.

I hope that this has been helpful to those of you men out there than need a little help in the fun filled world of dating. Remember kids: Smile, don’t get shit facd, and keep it in your pants until it’s beckoned.