Mother’s Day Realization

This Mother’s Day, as my kids gave me the cute cards they created, it hit me. It’s me who should be thanking them.

Things I’ve learned from my kids:

• Acceptance: They accept everyone just as they are. My oldest doesn’t care that his best friend comes from a poor family. He doesn’t mind that one of his friends in school is black. They don’t notice if someone is wearing jeans from Wal-mart or a designer brand. They don’t care if someone talks a little funny, or acts a little weird. They see the qualities in people that really matter.
• Trust: Maybe it’s the lack of life experience, but it’s a quality I love in them. They trust people even when given a reason not to. Even when I let them down they don’t become jaded or bitter… they move past it and believe in me again.
• Forgiveness: They are true masters in forgiving and forgetting. They may fight and argue, but they don’t hold grudges. One steals a toy, the other throws a punch. But 5 minutes later, they are laughing and playing together.
• Love: Being a mom has taught me more about love than any other relationship I’ve been in. From the moment they took their first breaths, the unconditional love that I have feel for them has been indescribable. There is nothing that they could do that would ever change that. They have taught me to love unconditionally and fiercely.
• Patience: Sitting in isolation in a hospital room for 5 days would be enough to drive anyone crazy. But the way that Emma took it all in stride was truly amazing. She didn’t EVER complain when they poked her numerous times a day to draw blood. She didn’t cry because the nurses kept coming in at night to take vital signs. She hasn’t whined about having to sit still for hours while she receives her i.v. antibiotics at home.
• Attitude: They have the most positive attitudes of anyone I’ve known. They can take a seemingly crappy situation and see the good and potential fun in it.
• Fun: My kids can have enjoy themselves anywhere! Even when I’m feeling tired or grumpy, they have a way of making even the most mundane tasks like making lunch fun. They say the cutest things that can’t help but make me smile.
• Relationships: They have a pure appreciation for the people in their lives. They don’t see people as disposable commodities.
• Honesty: Sometimes embarrassingly so, my kids are honest to the core. They have not learned to warp the truth to meet sugar coat things or manipulate. If they are hurt, you know about it. If they are happy, you feel that as well.
• Empathy: When they hear a story about a child dying, they cry for them. At my grandmothers funeral, they softly touched her face and whispered their goodbyes in her ear. And then went over to my sad mother and gave her a hug and told her it would be OK. When they see me upset or grumpy, they are quick to throw their arms around my neck and tell me that they love me.
• Romance: Being a single mom, and back in the dating shark infested waters pool, they have indirectly helped me to make some of the best choices in possible mates. On my own I may have settled for someone that probably was not right for me. But being a mom and wanting the best for my children has forced me to “weed” out undesirable men (maybe not as soon as I should have, but it’s the result that counts, right?) that I may have otherwise settled for. They have helped me to realize not only what I want and need for myself, but also for them.
• Selflessness: I believe that it is human nature to (at times) be selfish. It’s not always a bad thing. But being a mom has taught me how to put my own desires aside to accomplish a bigger (and more important) goal.
• Joy: I remember thinking about what my life as a wife and a mother would look like. In some ways it is very much that way. But many things didn’t turn out as I expected. The years since my children were born have brought many “trials”. But I can say that each and every one of them has taught me something about myself. Most poignantly, about joy. This may be the biggest lesson I’ve learned from my little ankle bitters: Even though it may look different than the picture painted in my head, I am blessed. I feel joy from the simple things in my life. A kind of joy that no car, home, hot tub or job can provide.

By no means do I claim to have perfect children. Sometimes they throw fits. Sometimes they cry. Sometimes they get on my last nerve and test my patience. Sometimes I think about selling them to the gypsies.

But I can with certainty say that I’m better because of them. They unknowingly help me strive daily to be a better mom, woman, lover, friend, ex-wife, daughter, and person. They keep me grounded and enable me to see the big picture. Their existence brings me a clarity and gives my life purpose beyond just living day to day.

I feel blessed to be their mother. I am in awe of their goodness. I pray that I can be the mother that they deserve and hope that in spite of my downfalls, they will become the amazing people they have the potential to be.

This post is dedicated to my children — who have taught me more in 8 years than I could have learned in a lifetime without them:

 

One In A Hundred

Time and time again, I have cursed the world of online dating. I won’t go into the gory details of why, suffice it to say that for the most part, I don’t think it works. I’m going to throw out a statistic that has NO support or science behind it whatsoever: You have about a 1% chance of finding love online. OUCH!

Since my divorce almost 2 years ago, I’ve joined a number of sites on and off, which have pretty much yielded the same results: Nothing good.

While I think that meeting people in the “real” world dramatically increases your chances of finding a match that will ’stick’, sometimes all it takes is that 1%. I’m hoping that this one actually happens to be that one in a hundred.

 

Home At Last!

Just a little update:

Emma was released from the Hospital Saturday night, which was a pleasant surprise after being told it might be Tuesday.

She was taken into surgery Friday night to open up the infected site, clean it out, place a drain, and then also place a PICC line (it’s an i.v. line that leads directly into her heart) that allows me to give her the i.v. antibiotics at home.

So every 8 hours, I play the role of nurse. The process pretty much requires that I put my entire life on hold, seeing as the ex refuses to step up and be a good dad participate in medicating her. The medicine runs for 2 hours, and takes about a total of 30 min. of prep. time and clean up.

I was pretty nervous about having this responsibility, but I’ve gotten the hang of it and it’s working out well.

For now, she’s home, and I am hoping/praying that we can fight this infection without having to make another voyage to the hospital.

On the upside, it looks like the rotten and poor excuse for a guest hospital bed DID get some use… thanks for coming by and helping us with the checking out Porty

 

I Feel Like a New Woman

Since moving in, I’ve had this crappy, old, warped, crud-like, wooden garage door.

Thanks to an OK tax refund, I finally have a new door. It’s white and clean and undamaged. As I pushed the button on the opener remote, I felt like a virgin, touched for the very first time.

 

The Do’s and Don’ts of Dating - Part 1

I can’t claim to be an expert in the area of DATING, but I’ve been around (no, not in that way… bastards) enough to be in a position to bring you a few words of advice on the subject.

So men, next time you are interested in a girl and have a date with said female, here are a few guidelines on what to do, and what NOT to do.

DO: Open the door for your date. Yes yes, it might seem old-fashioned, even medieval, but I assure you, even the most open minded and laid back girls notice and appreciate the gesture.
DON’T: When a woman shows you her injury, no matter how little, smacking her on the bruise and calling her a “pussy” is NOT in good form.

DO: If you ask her out, DO plan on paying for the first date. Some might argue that in the getting-to-know-you stage, it’s OK to ask her to pay her half. That’s a negative kids. If you’re the asker, be the payer as well.
DON’T: After a meal, don’t look around and then suddenly remember that you left your wallet in your car. Lame. Dumb. And antics of a 18 year old frat boy. Even then it wasn’t cool.

DO: We’re all adults here, so I’m not going to pretend that kissing on a first date doesn’t happen (kissing WHERE is a whole other subject). If the chemistry between you two is flying out of your eyes and genitals, and your date seems receptive to a kiss, go for it. But be respectful. You buying her dinner does not, unfortunately, give you free access to her vagina.
DON’T: In an attempt to be cute or charming, DO NOT pinch or slap your date’s ass. Unless of course her name is “Candy” and she watches NASCAR and grew up in Arkansas.

DO: Go into a date with an open mind and few expectations. I’m not saying that you lower your standards, I’m just saying that it’s a good idea to give a girl a chance before you make any rash decisions.
DON’T: Under NO circumstances should you ever tell a girl that she should stop dating other people and that you think you two will someday be married BEFORE the first date. Or even on it. Or even right after it. I don’t care what the Angel Moroni told you… shut your mouth!

DO: Treat your date with respect.
DON’T: No matter how hot your date is, or how horny you are, OR how much you can just see it in her eyes that she wants you to… NEVER EVER EVER masterbate in front of your date. Or on the date at all. Hey, what you do once you are IN a relationship is all well and good, but whacking it while your date cowers on the couch is not only bad form, it’s practically abuse. This practice is not OK… ever.

DO: Feel free to talk about your hopes and dreams. It’s OK to mention an ex in passing, but keep the conversation casual and leave the intensity out of it.
DON’T: This next “don’t” is not only in the beginning stages of dating, but includes ANY type of relationship: Under no circumstances do you talk about how you might not be ready to date (because you might still be in love with your ex wife) directly after sex. Enough said.

DO: Be relaxed on a date. It’s OK to kick back and just enjoy the moment. Be attentive, but have fun!
DON’T: It’s probably not a good idea to take 3-6 shots of whisky BEFORE your date begins. And it’s definitely not a good idea to, while drunk, take your date to a movie, grope her boobs, be rude to the concession stand people, and then pass out and hit your date in the head with your own bulbous noggin.

I hope that this has been helpful to those of you men out there than need a little help in the fun filled world of dating. Remember kids: Smile, don’t get shit facd, and keep it in your pants until it’s beckoned.

 

Zoo Time Frolic

The best thing about Presidents Day is that there is no school for the kids. The BAD thing about Presidents Day is that there is no school for the kids. On these types of holidays, I feel pressure to not only care for their basic needs, but actually entertain them and do something a little special.

Hogle Zoo was the place we ended up, and here are the pictures to prove it.

 

 

This female elephant is pregnant! I was even misquoted in Tuesday’s SL Tribune about it. OK, not really misquoted, but the writer totally got my name wrong (at least he got it my son’s name right).

This is the almost 3 mo. old baby giraff… SO cute!

 

My Life IS SOOOO Hard… Sniff.

Actually, I’m not really all that aggravated. I had a pretty good day. BUT, I thought about one thing that was bugging me, which led to another thought of dissatisfaction. So instead of letting this crap rattle around in my head all night, I’ll spew forth the objects of my discontent for my huge following to read. Here’s my bitch list (yes yes, I know, my life really isn’t that hard… shut up):

1. I’m sick of winter. Not like “oh, this winter thing is so played out” sick. I HATE IT. I’ve been obsessing about all this work that I want to do in my yard. I’ve picked out a bunch of perennials that I want to buy. I want to fill the bird feeders. I want to actually complain about being hot instead of bitching about the constant state of my butt being cold (among many other body parts).
2. I want a hot tub (yes I just stomped my foot and stuck out my bottom lip as I typed that). My close friend has a hot tub. And now that I think of it, another friend is also a proud owner of a spa. It’s not fair! And I even created the lamest “blog” ever created in the entire lame blog world just to BEG people to give me money to buy a hot tub. It is not the king of dip shit blogs… It is a GOD! Except that no one… and I mean NO ONE… ever visits it. And I mean EVER. Anyway, yeah, I want a hot tub.
3. People in movie theaters are stupid.
4. I don’t have a huge following.
5. I don’t want to hurt feelings or burn bridges, but I STILL don’t want to date. And I’m going out on a “non-date” Thursday night. Uggg.
6. The giraffe at the zoo today flatly refused to wrench it’s neck over the enclosure to lick my outstretched hand. Bitch.
7. I didn’t get into the Moab 1/2 marathon. I’ve participated in that race twice! You’d think that “veterans” should get first dibs. I think that “lottery” races are a bunch of bullshit.
8. I don’t look like Giselle Bundchen.
9. My dog is gone
10. My toad died this weekend … Oh wait…
11. I have to clean the sick tank that the dead toad was floating in.
12. I had a really good “last meal” last night, and because of my stupid workout routine thing, I couldn’t even eat the leftovers. Now my so-called “friend” is devouring all MY delicious leftovers.
13. As I was checking out the weird skin tag on my inner thigh this evening (and contemplated just cutting if off, but stopped myself when I remembered how it bled like a mo’fo’ the last time I tried something cute like that), I hit my shin on my razor ass sharp corner on my nightstand. Which leads me to…
14. I want dressers from IKEA. But I’m too damn cheap to spend $300 bucks to buy the set that I want.
15. I’ve been peeing tons lately. We’re supposed to drink all this damn water to ensure good health, but at what cost? It seems I must threaten the safety of my clitoris in exchange for proper hydration.
16. There is drama in my softball circle. People… IT’S FUCKING SOFTBALL! It’s not like we’re fighting to save the rain forest. For the love of all that is holy!
17. I’m now involved in a small claims case. Just the thought of NOT winning pisses me off. OK, I guess it’s a little early for anger now. I should probably watch a lot of Judge Judy just in case.
18. Despite my many attempts, I’m still the Transitioner.
19. I have to pee again.

I know, boo f’ing hoo. I must admit, I feel much better.

 

Masthead Drought

No, it has NOT escaped my attention.

Yes, I AM aware that for 2 months running, my mastheads have been less than, well, exciting.

Problem #1: I have Adobe, but have no real idea of how to use it.

Problem #2: Even if I did know how to copy and paste a simple picture or edit anything in Adobe, I am having some creative “issues”. I’ve got nuthin’.

So until I’m hit with an inspired bolt of magical elf lightning, this is what you get.

 

Ode To Summer

It’s cold outside.

Snow is covering rooftops, hiding grassy yards, and making every step in my driveway a near death experience.

For me, the only good thing about winter is Christmas, hot chocolate, and snowboarding. Other than that, I could do without the whole damn thing.

Here is what I love about summer:

• Sitting outside in the evening, just as the sun has set. I love the sounds, the smells, the leaves moving in the gentle breeze.
• BBQ’s with friends.
• Not having to wear a jacket… ever.
• Watering my potted planets on the deck first thing in the morning.
• Lying in the sun while my children run and jump through the sprinkler.
• Swimming.
• Sitting on the amazing patio at Hogs, people watching.
• Walking barefoot to the mailbox.
• Watching the hummingbirds at the feeder.
• Rain when it’s hot outside.
• Putting on a pair of flip flops to go the the grocery store.
• Playing softball.
• Eating every meal on my deck.
• Spending 5 days at Lake Powell, with not a care in the world, and wearing nothing but a bathing suit the entire time.

 

Just Another Dab of Drama

I survived Christmas. That in and of itself is quite an accomplishment. And I actually enjoyed the day, for the most part. Pretty exciting.

Luckily the day AFTER Christmas brought me back down to earth.

Picture it: A call from the ex-husband telling you that he is moving in with his girlfriend of 3 months. Not a big deal NOR is it any of my business, except for the fact that we have 3 children together. Grrrr.

We discussed the situation and decided (which means that I said it was gonna happen before I allowed him to take my kids overnight) it would be a good idea for me to meet this woman before MY CHILDREN occasionally shack up with her.

So an emergency “I’m moving out of my mom’s house to move in with the woman that I once described to my ex-wife as being “trashy”" meeting was called. The ex and his new female counterpart descended on my home in the evening.

We broke the “news” to the kids… that they would no longer be spending Tuesday and Thursday nights, plus every other weekend, at their most beloved grandmother’s home. A home that they finally started to feel comfortable in and see as their own. They would now be spending a few nights at a “new” house, with Daddy and his new slu… girlfriend.

They took it OK.

Then the adults sat down to discuss things. I’ll spare you the boring details, suffice it to say things went smoothly. It was awkward to say the least. But I kept my cool, and was actually quite well spoken. I was honest and clear about how I didn’t agree with their decision. I let them know that I thought it was too fast to be moving in together, and voiced my MANY concerns. But let them know that I wanted my children to be happy and in a healthy environment, and that I would support them as long as that they could provide it.

In my opinion, the most successful part of the evening was when I actually got a good look at this woman. (Insert a Mr. Burns-ish evil laugh) As much as I’d like to believe or say that I’m above these things, and as petty and stupid as it may be, there was an element of comfort in seeing that she outweighs me by at least 30 lbs and that I’m more attractive than she is I’m such a jerk (but a cuter and skinnier jerk)!