Movie Theater Goodtimes!

A list of my top 4 weirdest, worstest, grossest, most annoyingest movie experiences:

  • After months of excitement and hype, X-Men finally hit the big screens. When something this exciting happens, why not make it a family event?! Me, my husband (who I now lovingly refer to as my stupid ex), his dad and siblings, my parents, and a couple of friends decided to experience this visual delight together. It was great! I laughed, I cried. What I also did was wipe an ungodly amount of saliva off of the back of my neck after the man sitting behind me sneezed a sneeze that contained more phlegm and drool than has ever been recorded in the history of mankind. Come to think of it, I don’t remember much of the movie. I think was preoccupied with not punching that douche bag in the face while wondering if it was possible for me to not contract whatever vile disease that man just spewed all over my neck. I did, however, express my dissatisfaction with what he had just done, and gave him probably the best stink eye I’ve managed to conjure. “Sorry” wasn’t enough to win my forgiveness.
  • You’ve all experienced it, being the only one in the theater. Well, it happened to me and a friend. It was delightful. We had the whole place all to ourselves. But wait… my dreams were dashed. Another couple waddled in just before the previews began. This was a fairly large theater of maybe 250 seats. And where did they sit? You guessed it… right next to me. No, not one chair between us next to me. Not right in front of me next to me. Not right behind me so that I could feel every time their pudgy feet kicked the back of my seat next to me. They sat in the chair RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO ME. I looked at them incredulously. Seriously… SERIOUSLY?! So I looked at my friend, and after an unspoken exchange, we moved down a few seats to put some space between me and Mr. and Mrs. Dip Shit. The freaks whisper back and forth for about 30 seconds, and then the woman leans over and says to me, “You know, that was really rude.” Anyone that knows me knows that I am not someone who enjoys confrontation, and will go out of my way to avoid it. I’m a lover, not a fighter. But there are rare circumstances when the army within rises up and fights, which relative to probably everyone else in the world, my “angry” times are very tame. This was one of those times. “Are you kidding me? Are you really that clueless? Do you not understand the concept of personal space? Take your eyes off your popcorn and Goobers and look around! There are 250 other seats in this theater, and you choose to sit RIGHT by me? Pure genius.” I pause for effect. “Now THAT is rude. Unfucking real.” I rarely swear in public, especially AT people. But I was pissed, they were stupid, and I was very confident that if they became angry, I could easily outrun them. I could have been out of that theater before they ever dislodged their asses rooted between the armrests. Fortunately, my final words were enough, and nothing more was said. However I did experience their near deafening popcorn chewing and wrapper rustling.
  • Picture it: A husband sleeps outside for 2 days to purchase what every dork wants, Star Wars: Episode 1 tickets. The whole damn family is there. Now picture a young couple. The female member of this couple has a laser pointer. Throughout the ads playing before the previews and movie, she does all sorts of hilarious things on the screen that only a 19-year-old girl with a laser pointer can do. Ex looks around, trying to find the culprit behind this unappreciated comedy. He finds guilty the party and proceeds to give a look that is equally threatening and evil. Boyfriend of laser girl says to the ex, “Do you have a problem?” in a menacing way. The theater goes quiet. All eyes (including our family and a handful of friends) are shifting between the two men. Ex stands up and says, “Yeah, I do. And you’re going to have a problem if I see that laser on the screen ONE more time. I will walk over there, rip it out of her hands, and shove it up your ass. Understand?” Not only was there no more red dot on the screen, but everyone sitting around us was very, very quiet during the entire movie. SWEET!
  • Hannibal (aka… Silence of the Lambs 2). Gory. Disturbing. Incredibly violent. A perfect family flick. But to the parents, and I use that word loosely, who showed up with their infant, 2-year-old, and 4-year-old in tow… WTF! Not only was the entire family loud and annoying, as children in movies can often be, but the movie also understandably frightened them. At one point, the 4-year-old says loudly, “Daddy, why is that man-eating his own head?” If you are so damn cheap that you refuse to hire a babysitter for your brood, maybe you should think about staying home. People. Are. Retarded.
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Explore posts in the same categories: Babble, Bodily Functions, Family, Good Times, Just for fun, Life, Random Stuff, Vexation, WTF

One Comment on “Movie Theater Goodtimes!”

  1. The Grunt Says:

    I should have read this as a primer before I saw a movie with you;)


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