Oh, I’m All That AND A Bag Of Raisins

I’ve been in a weird “place” the last few days. It’s OK… I’m still safe to handle sharp objects and can deal with the open flame on my stove. I’ve just felt, well, off.

Me being in a weird place isn’t all that rare. I mean I’m pretty damn weird, aka, charming. But I just can’t help looking at my life and wondering where the time has all gone, where in the hell it’s going, and what I’m supposed to do in the meantime to not screw it all up (even more than I already have).

I’ll forgo all of garbage that is seeping in and out of my brain, because I’m somewhat kind and don’t want to put you through the pain and torment of reading about my lame assness. And there is SO much I’ve been thinking about that I don’t think I could write it in any way that wouldn’t be a novel. But one of the subjects that has my noggin-a-whirlin’ is about my family.

I love my kids. There is no question about that. But I feel like I’m not being the kind of mom that I should be, or the kind of mom that I want to be. Sure, I take care of them, but (please, grab the nearest trash can in case this next statements causes you to involuntarily vomit) I wish I was more like the moms that live their lives for their kids. The kind of mom who’s entire life is centered around her children and their activities. The kind of mom who’s life is entirely intertwined with her family’s.

That’s how it used to be. It was easier for me to do when I was married, because my family WAS the majority of my social life. I’m not saying that I didn’t have friends and didn’t go out, but my husband was my best friend, and my life was stable and somewhat predictable. But now I’m single, and I’m expected to actually make an effort to have a social life. A social life that exists outside of my family. Yeah, it’s pretty f’ing lame.

I miss knowing that my weekend will pretty much consist of hanging with the hubby and kids, watching a few dvd’s, or maybe even going out if a grandparent is available to babysit.

What I miss even more is having a cute little complete family. I read my sister’s blog tonight, and it made me ache for the days of “old”… the days before I became single again. Notice that I didn’t say that I missed my ex, I just miss the idea of it all. I know that I should be enjoying this time in my life where I have freedom (within reason. I still have 3 kids for hells sake) to come and go as I please. To answer to no one. I should be living it up.

And yes, it was great for awhile, but it’s getting old. And frankly, I’m burned out.

I’m happy for my sister. I know her life isn’t perfect, but I think that she is content. I wouldn’t have it any other way. But I’m jealous. Not in a “I hate you” sort of way. I just wish I had what my sister has. What I thought I used to have. Cuz this other shit, well, it blows.

Maybe a slight over dramatization of things. In all honestly, my life isn’t too shabby. It could definitely get worse. I have a great family, awesome friends, and really nice calves. What am I complaining about!

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3 Comments on “Oh, I’m All That AND A Bag Of Raisins”

  1. The Grunt Says:

    I have every confidence that you’ll be “trapped” in marriage again;) Just don’t settle because you like the idea of it all. I like the idea of being able to fly around like Superman, but it would be pretty stupid of me to go out and try it. I mean, I’ve already tried that when I was five and the fall off of the picnic table hurt like hell. At least I was smart enough to try it off of the picnic table first and not the roof.

    Raisins are good and good for you, btw.

  2. meggypoo Says:

    I don’t miss it bad enough to be in a bad relationship. I’m thinking that if I can get to be OK with this whole single thing, it might be the best way to go.

    Raisins are good for you, but if you eat enough of them, they make you poop.

  3. Pants Says:

    We must rectify the single sadness with a boozy girl date. Stat!


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