The idea was that I would let “it” go. Put it behind me and move on.

Since my divorce over two years ago, I have never felt afraid living alone (well, sans a man). My home has been a sanctuary… A place that I’ve always felt safe and comfortable.

But since “it” happened, and despite my resolve to let it roll over and off of me, I find myself in a constant state of hyper-awareness. Acutely aware of every car that drives by. Every noise outside. Every door that opens and shuts. Every time my dog lifts his head when he hears something.

I force my dog to sleep in my room. I look out the window to make sure no one is there. Every time my phone begins to vibrate, I’m afraid who it might be.

As much as I tell myself that I will not give it any more power or let it affect me, it obviously has. While I’ve been able to, for the most part, slip into my comforting and protective “numb”, I wonder if and how this will change my life.

Will I be able to love, trust, relax, surrender? Will my mind forever scream “stranger danger!”? At this point, I’d take being able to go to bed without obsessively checking every lock. Here’s hoping.

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4 Comments on “IT”

  1. Pants Says:

    You know you can call me anytime, right? If you like, I could come spend the night…if would make you feel better. I’m always here.

  2. The Grunt Says:

    “It” sucks ass. Here’s to hoping for a falling piano to take care of the problem maker.

  3. zeghsy Says:

    i could sic my cat on him. my siamese does not take kindly to his buddies getting harassed.

  4. meggypoo Says:

    Pants- I know, and most of the time I do 🙂 Thanks for taking care of me, and regardless of my freak-outs or fears, you can have a sleepover anytime 🙂

    Grunt- Yes, “it” does suck, but I believe that my little trouble maker will feel the wrath of karma.

    Zeghsy- SWEET! Maybe your cat can form a gang with my cats and they can kick that true pussy’s ass.

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