Christmas Can Lick It


I’m so bloody excited for Christmas I feel inspired to go to the mall and punch elves.

No, I’m NOT in the mood. No, I’m not feeling the spirit of the season, unless the spirit entails bile rising up in my throat every time I hear “Santa Baby”. I’ve yet to put up a tree (but because my parents love me and I’m a pathetic creature, they are delivering a pre-decorated one to me at any moment. Thank you Mom & Dad, and thank you Festival of Trees). My Christmas shopping, usually done before December even hits, is not even close to being complete.

This year I SUCK ASS!

I’m hoping the magical Christmas Fairy will visit me in the next few days, dislodge my head from my lower intestines, and sprinkle candy cane dust and reindeer droppings into my eyes while I sleep to make me a little more festive.

It’s all rather disappointing because this used to be my favorite time of year. Now Christmas is just a big fat red and green crap filled gift basket reminder of how I’m alone, a marital failure, a mediocre mom, relationship retarded, etc. Let me tell you, setting out the Santa presents for the kids and watching their faces Christmas morning by yourself isn’t as much fun as it sounds. Let’s not mention Christmas night… I’m giddy with anticipation when I think of spending it by myself (sans the dog and cats), eating cookie dough and trying to find something on t.v. other than the showing after showing of It’s A Wonderful Life! Yippy!


OK, maybe it’s not that bad. I’ll probably find a friend or family member to pawn myself off on. LUCKY YOU!

If I play my cards right, maybe one of my neighbors will give me the gift of fruit cake, laced with vodka, and then I’ll feel the Holiday spirit (or the cold embrace of the snowman next door).

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3 Comments on “Christmas Can Lick It”

  1. Jojo Says:

    Well, if ya were in Texas we could have a wonderful time! Hugs to ya!

  2. Jason Says:

    Punching elves sounds like it would cheer me right up. It would be a christmas miracle.

  3. Dax Says:

    All this talk about licking it and sucking ass and punching elves is bringing back the memories of my fondest Christmases past. I do believe you’re going to have the best Christmas ever…now pass me some cookie dough.

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