Life’s Little Epiphanies – UPDATE

This epiphany may not have been as wisely epic as I thought. OK OK, so yeah, it sucks to feel indifferent. But I’m changing my stance on this subject a little.

I cannot control the thoughts, behaviors, or feelings of others. All I can do is choose how I react to them. Meaning that whether someone is apathetic towards me or not, it’s irrelevant. I can allow it to break me or let it roll off of my back.

Equally important is learning to not invest in someone that sees or treats me as something disposable. And learning to not give too much of myself without it being earned and deserved. I will no longer make a person a priority in my life when I am only an option in theirs.

Typical

Why did I go? I knew that it was a possibility. But I hoped that he wouldn’t be as predictable as they all are…that he really did just wanted to get to know me better. But deep down, I knew.

Within 5 minutes of me being there, his hands were around my waist, and his lips on my lips. Instead of kissing him back, I talked through his kiss.

“Mike…this isn’t who I am. I’m sorry, I just don’t do this.”

Why don’t I do “this”? I’ve done it before and felt OK about it. I used to have fun with a little semi-innocent meaningless make-out session every now and again. But now, it does nothing for me. The thought of having a near strangers lips on mine, their hands on my body…it’s almost repulsive. Last night, it was slightly disgusting, although I was more annoyed than anything else. So I left.

Not because I don’t like physical contact. I’m a big fan of it. But I’ve got to feel some kind of emotional or mental connection along with a physical one to even have the desire to want to be touched or kissed.

I think a lot of it has to do with the maturity that comes with age and experience. I’ve been there, done that, and I’m over it.

But more than anything else, it’s about me wanting something meaningful…something beyond grinding it out on the couch with some random middle-aged guy.

As silly and romantic a thought it is, I want something more than lust. A man interested more in me than getting into my pants. Yes, now I’m just talking crazy.

But just for future reference: No, I don’t want to “cuddle” with you after knowing you 20 minutes. Or to my date last night…even though I’ve known you for 6 months, this IS our first date and your tongue in my mouth and hand on my boob is not OK. Just because you tell me I’m cute does not give you free reign of my thigh.

My refusal is not because I’m a prude. It is purely me being true to myself. Unlike times in my past, if I don’t want you to touch me, I’m not going to give you a sympathy graze. Whether it’s the kiss or the cock I block, I’m doing it because it’s what I want. If that makes me a bitch, then a B-I-T-C-H I am!

Weapon of Choice and the Hoff

Best video…ever.

Worst video…and yet hilarious. I love the Hoff.

Just Because I Like Them

A few of my favorite quotes (this week):

“Action expresses priorities.” – Mahatma Gandhi

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Nelson Mandela

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss

And my favorite:

“Always be yourself… unless you suck.” – Joss Whedon

Amen brother.

I See Rainbows

  

Red and yellow and pink and green, purple and orange and blue…

Puppies. I love puppies! I believe that there is something VERY wrong with people who don’t like animals, especially puppies.

Sure, she still pees and poops in the house, attacks my children, and eats cat shit.

But Chloe also has a special taste for chalk, play-dough, and crayons. It makes picking up the dog crap in the yard so much more entertaining. I never know what color I’m going to find.

Especially exciting are the rainbow turds. It’s like magical fairies from Barbie’s Mermaidia have made my yard their personal litter box.

Winds of Change Stinketh

“You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step”–Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

When climbing the staircase of ‘life’, why is it so difficult to take that next step?

People are resistant to change, even when that change is necessary. Even when it’s for the best. The psychologist in my knows that part of the reason is because anything new and unexpected is scary. Sometimes it’s seemingly easier to stay stuck in your mediocre situation than it is to take a step into the abyss of the unknown.

But why, when you’re unhappy, is it still so difficult to let go and move on? To take that next step? Logically you’d think that if unsatisfied, a person would be anxious to take a step…ANY step…that would lead them away from their own personal hell. But familiarity and knowing what will happen is a strong seduction. Add some love into the mix and, well, the hope of reconciling logic and emotion becomes almost pointless.

The winds of change have kicked up, and in true Salt Lake fashion, there is a strong outhouseish smell that is accompanying it. Maybe it would be easier for me to embrace the changes if I were able to see the end result, the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. That can be said for anything I suppose…being able to see the outcome would make it easier for anyone to take the necessary steps.

But such is NOT life. And like everyone else without psychic powers, I’m forced to walk blindly forward. Or make the choice of not choosing, stubbornly plant my feet and refuse to move. As safe as the later is, I know that finding the peace and happiness that I desire will never happen if this is the road I take (or more appropriately, don’t take).

Purely taking the step does not insure that it will be a happy journey, or one without difficulty. There is pain and regret…things that I believe (or desperately hope) will subside not only with time, but also as I gain a new perspective, as often the blessing of hindsight can only give.

But until that time comes, I’ll plug my nose and scrunch my face until the rancid smelling winds subsides.

I’m Such A Girl

Nothing can dissuade me from reading a book faster than hearing all of the women in my congregation rave about it. They are nice ladies, but are a little too easily excited over casserole recipes and yesterdays Oprah subject.

But when my friend told me how much she loved the “Twilight” book series, I begrudgingly hoped on board and agreed to read them.

3 days, and 1,690 pages later, I have to admit, I really enjoyed them. They were a welcomed distraction, and, as difficult as it is to admit, I fell in love with the characters. It reminded me what it was like to be young again. And it was fun to experience the twitterpation along with the two cheesy love birds.

For someone who has always thought of herself as a little bit above getting swept away by a book or a movie, well, I must admit…I’m such a girl! At least there were vampires, murder, some blood and gore. That makes me slightly less lame I guess.

A Starry Night

Tonight went in a direction that I hadn’t planned on. With a number of back-to-back evenings filled with some sorrow and regret, I expected this night to be more of the same.

After putting the kids to bed, I decided to sit outside and enjoy what will be one of the last nice nights of the season. The air was calm, cool and yet comfortable, and the skies were clear. I took a moment and looked up at the stars, and it felt oddly almost, well, romantic.

I laid down on the cold cement, put my hands behind my back, and let my mind wander.

I began to think back throughout my existence. Memories that I haven’t recalled in quite some time surfaced.

I remembered how much I reveled sleeping outside on summer nights as a kid and teenager. About how I loved waking up to the sun peeking over the mountain tops, feeling my cat snuggled up still asleep between my feet. I loved how cool it was on those mornings, and how it felt all warm under my blankets while breathing the crisp air. I remember how alive I felt on mornings like those.

I reminisced about my “Naked Fest 2001” trip to Lake Powell. It was a time in which I never felt so free, relaxed, and really experienced what it was like to rather be no place than where I was at.

I thought back to July 4th in 2003, when, after getting the kids to sleep, my ex and I climbed up on the roof with a blanket and some drinks to watch the fireworks. We made love on the rooftop that night. It was romantic, tender, and passionate. There have been a number of defining moments in my life. This was one of them. I remember how we held each other, and when I looked into his eyes, how much in love I felt with him at that moment, and how much I knew he was in love with me.

I recalled the birth of my first child, and how surprised I was that in only an instant, everything-my purpose, my direction, my life-became clear to me. As the doctor placed my son on my chest, my husband (at the time) put his arm around us and cried. I have never felt so safe or whole as I did that night.

As these memories came flooding back, I didn’t feel the sadness that I would expect from someone so, as of late, down. Instead of a feeling of loss for things that were but no longer are, I felt incredibly blessed just to have been able to experience them. There was no regret, no sadness…just an overwhelming sense of peace. I just enjoyed the moment. For the hour or so that I looked up at that sky and allowed these memories to wash over me, I felt strangely happy.

And an even more remarkable idea came into my head. In ten years from now, I am confident that on a night like tonight, I will be able to lay down, look at the stars, and once again pull from wonderful memories of things that have yet to occur.

Life’s Little Epiphanies

The worst feeling, even more than being hated, is feeling irrelevant.

At least when someone despises you, there is emotion there. Sure, there’s no Hallmark card for it, but on some level, when someone hates you, they do it because they care enough. Because disgust…it’s an investment of thought, time, and energy.

Looking at a person and feeling little but their apathy and indifference…if I could choose, I’d choose contempt.

Oh Yeah…Right There

Yesterday I had one of the best massages EVER! It was exactly what I needed at the time. Yeah, so today  I woke up and was so incredibly sore and stiff that I let out a gasp in pain as I rolled over. But for those 50 minutes I was lying naked on the table…it was worth it.