Archive for September 2007

Life’s Little Epiphanies – UPDATE

September 28, 2007

This epiphany may not have been as wisely epic as I thought. OK OK, so yeah, it sucks to feel indifferent. But I’m changing my stance on this subject a little.

I cannot control the thoughts, behaviors, or feelings of others. All I can do is choose how I react to them. Meaning that whether someone is apathetic towards me or not, it’s irrelevant. I can allow it to break me or let it roll off of my back.

Equally important is learning to not invest in someone that sees or treats me as something disposable. And learning to not give too much of myself without it being earned and deserved. I will no longer make a person a priority in my life when I am only an option in theirs.

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Typical

September 26, 2007

Why did I go? I knew that it was a possibility. But I hoped that he wouldn’t be as predictable as they all are…that he really did just wanted to get to know me better. But deep down, I knew.

Within 5 minutes of me being there, his hands were around my waist, and his lips on my lips. Instead of kissing him back, I talked through his kiss.

“Mike…this isn’t who I am. I’m sorry, I just don’t do this.”

Why don’t I do “this”? I’ve done it before and felt OK about it. I used to have fun with a little semi-innocent meaningless make-out session every now and again. But now, it does nothing for me. The thought of having a near strangers lips on mine, their hands on my body…it’s almost repulsive. Last night, it was slightly disgusting, although I was more annoyed than anything else. So I left.

Not because I don’t like physical contact. I’m a big fan of it. But I’ve got to feel some kind of emotional or mental connection along with a physical one to even have the desire to want to be touched or kissed.

I think a lot of it has to do with the maturity that comes with age and experience. I’ve been there, done that, and I’m over it.

But more than anything else, it’s about me wanting something meaningful…something beyond grinding it out on the couch with some random middle-aged guy.

As silly and romantic a thought it is, I want something more than lust. A man interested more in me than getting into my pants. Yes, now I’m just talking crazy.

But just for future reference: No, I don’t want to “cuddle” with you after knowing you 20 minutes. Or to my date last night…even though I’ve known you for 6 months, this IS our first date and your tongue in my mouth and hand on my boob is not OK. Just because you tell me I’m cute does not give you free reign of my thigh.

My refusal is not because I’m a prude. It is purely me being true to myself. Unlike times in my past, if I don’t want you to touch me, I’m not going to give you a sympathy graze. Whether it’s the kiss or the cock I block, I’m doing it because it’s what I want. If that makes me a bitch, then a B-I-T-C-H I am!

Weapon of Choice and the Hoff

September 23, 2007

Best video…ever.

Worst video…and yet hilarious. I love the Hoff.

Just Because I Like Them

September 21, 2007

A few of my favorite quotes (this week):

“Action expresses priorities.” – Mahatma Gandhi

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Nelson Mandela

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss

And my favorite:

“Always be yourself… unless you suck.” – Joss Whedon

Amen brother.

I See Rainbows

September 20, 2007

chloe1.jpg  

Red and yellow and pink and green, purple and orange and blue…

Puppies. I love puppies! I believe that there is something VERY wrong with people who don’t like animals, especially puppies.

Sure, she still pees and poops in the house, attacks my children, and eats cat shit.

But Chloe also has a special taste for chalk, play-dough, and crayons. It makes picking up the dog crap in the yard so much more entertaining. I never know what color I’m going to find.

Especially exciting are the rainbow turds. It’s like magical fairies from Barbie’s Mermaidia have made my yard their personal litter box.

chloe2.jpg

Winds of Change Stinketh

September 17, 2007

“You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step”–Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

When climbing the staircase of ‘life’, why is it so difficult to take that next step?

People are resistant to change, even when that change is necessary. Even when it’s for the best. The psychologist in my knows that part of the reason is because anything new and unexpected is scary. Sometimes it’s seemingly easier to stay stuck in your mediocre situation than it is to take a step into the abyss of the unknown.

But why, when you’re unhappy, is it still so difficult to let go and move on? To take that next step? Logically you’d think that if unsatisfied, a person would be anxious to take a step…ANY step…that would lead them away from their own personal hell. But familiarity and knowing what will happen is a strong seduction. Add some love into the mix and, well, the hope of reconciling logic and emotion becomes almost pointless.

The winds of change have kicked up, and in true Salt Lake fashion, there is a strong outhouseish smell that is accompanying it. Maybe it would be easier for me to embrace the changes if I were able to see the end result, the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. That can be said for anything I suppose…being able to see the outcome would make it easier for anyone to take the necessary steps.

But such is NOT life. And like everyone else without psychic powers, I’m forced to walk blindly forward. Or make the choice of not choosing, stubbornly plant my feet and refuse to move. As safe as the later is, I know that finding the peace and happiness that I desire will never happen if this is the road I take (or more appropriately, don’t take).

Purely taking the step does not insure that it will be a happy journey, or one without difficulty. There is pain and regret…things that I believe (or desperately hope) will subside not only with time, but also as I gain a new perspective, as often the blessing of hindsight can only give.

But until that time comes, I’ll plug my nose and scrunch my face until the rancid smelling winds subsides.

I’m Such A Girl

September 14, 2007

Nothing can dissuade me from reading a book faster than hearing all of the women in my congregation rave about it. They are nice ladies, but are a little too easily excited over casserole recipes and yesterdays Oprah subject.

But when my friend told me how much she loved the “Twilight” book series, I begrudgingly hoped on board and agreed to read them.

3 days, and 1,690 pages later, I have to admit, I really enjoyed them. They were a welcomed distraction, and, as difficult as it is to admit, I fell in love with the characters. It reminded me what it was like to be young again. And it was fun to experience the twitterpation along with the two cheesy love birds.

For someone who has always thought of herself as a little bit above getting swept away by a book or a movie, well, I must admit…I’m such a girl! At least there were vampires, murder, some blood and gore. That makes me slightly less lame I guess.