I’m Just That Kind of Mom

Cooper: “Ian says that he’s going to eat me with syrup. That’s not a nice word.”

Me: “What… syrup?”

That’s Right Kids… I’m a REAL-A-TOR

FYI, it’s pronounced “real-tor”. But the often added “a” is always good for a laugh. And I’m not laughing because I think that you’re funny when you say it like that. I laugh because I’m mocking you for being so stupid. But don’t worry, I’ll just mock you in silence and then to my Realtor friends once you’re gone 😉

When I decided to become a Real Estate Agent over a year ago, I went into it with pretty realistic expectations. I wasn’t one of those people who thought “I’ll get my license and then make TONS of money. Woo Hoo!” That is NOT how it works, and my 5 years of previous mortgage experience as well as being close friends with an agent helped me walk into it the profession with open eyes.

Many in the real estate business describe it as being feast or famine. Tru dat! And it’s been more of the later in the current market.

The month I got my license I closed 3 deals (OK, on one of them I was the seller and the buyer agent, but money wise that deal alone is like 2 deals). It was amazing! I will admit, I got a little cocky. But the next 10 months has been more than enough to humble me. I’ve only closed one deal since my first month’s “feast”.

At times I thought about getting another job in addition. Living off of savings and not knowing when (or if) your next paycheck is coming is a little scary. Instead of becoming part of the 80% of new agents in Utah that give up and don’t renew their licenses, I decided to hold out and really try to make some Realtor magic happen. Because I really like what I do, and I’m really quite good at it.

Much to my delight, things have started to pick up. I have two listings (or will actually GET them listed within the next month), and am working with a buyer who I am confident will actually CHOOSE one of the 21 homes that we’ve looked at.

Being an agent is a lot of work. It requires MUCH more time and energy than I imagined. And yes, sometimes the money is great. But let me assure you, we (or at least the majority of agents) work our butts off for it.

To answer your question… I would be happy to be your agent (if you live in Utah). And if you pronounce “REALTOR” correctly, I might even cut you a deal 🙂

Zoo Time Frolic

The best thing about Presidents Day is that there is no school for the kids. The BAD thing about Presidents Day is that there is no school for the kids. On these types of holidays, I feel pressure to not only care for their basic needs, but actually entertain them and do something a little special.

Hogle Zoo was the place we ended up, and here are the pictures to prove it.

 

 

This female elephant is pregnant! I was even misquoted in Tuesday’s SL Tribune about it. OK, not really misquoted, but the writer totally got my name wrong (at least he got it my son’s name right).

This is the almost 3 mo. old baby giraff… SO cute!

My Life IS SOOOO Hard… Sniff.

Actually, I’m not really all that aggravated. I had a pretty good day. BUT, I thought about one thing that was bugging me, which led to another thought of dissatisfaction. So instead of letting this crap rattle around in my head all night, I’ll spew forth the objects of my discontent for my huge following to read. Here’s my bitch list (yes yes, I know, my life really isn’t that hard… shut up):

1. I’m sick of winter. Not like “oh, this winter thing is so played out” sick. I HATE IT. I’ve been obsessing about all this work that I want to do in my yard. I’ve picked out a bunch of perennials that I want to buy. I want to fill the bird feeders. I want to actually complain about being hot instead of bitching about the constant state of my butt being cold (among many other body parts).
2. I want a hot tub (yes I just stomped my foot and stuck out my bottom lip as I typed that). My close friend has a hot tub. And now that I think of it, another friend is also a proud owner of a spa. It’s not fair! And I even created the lamest “blog” ever created in the entire lame blog world just to BEG people to give me money to buy a hot tub. It is not the king of dip shit blogs… It is a GOD! Except that no one… and I mean NO ONE… ever visits it. And I mean EVER. Anyway, yeah, I want a hot tub.
3. People in movie theaters are stupid.
4. I don’t have a huge following.
5. I don’t want to hurt feelings or burn bridges, but I STILL don’t want to date. And I’m going out on a “non-date” Thursday night. Uggg.
6. The giraffe at the zoo today flatly refused to wrench it’s neck over the enclosure to lick my outstretched hand. Bitch.
7. I didn’t get into the Moab 1/2 marathon. I’ve participated in that race twice! You’d think that “veterans” should get first dibs. I think that “lottery” races are a bunch of bullshit.
8. I don’t look like Giselle Bundchen.
9. My dog is gone 😦
10. My toad died this weekend 🙂 … Oh wait… 😦
11. I have to clean the sick tank that the dead toad was floating in.
12. I had a really good “last meal” last night, and because of my stupid workout routine thing, I couldn’t even eat the leftovers. Now my so-called “friend” is devouring all MY delicious leftovers.
13. As I was checking out the weird skin tag on my inner thigh this evening (and contemplated just cutting if off, but stopped myself when I remembered how it bled like a mo’fo’ the last time I tried something cute like that), I hit my shin on my razor ass sharp corner on my nightstand. Which leads me to…
14. I want dressers from IKEA. But I’m too damn cheap to spend $300 bucks to buy the set that I want.
15. I’ve been peeing tons lately. We’re supposed to drink all this damn water to ensure good health, but at what cost? It seems I must threaten the safety of my clitoris in exchange for proper hydration.
16. There is drama in my softball circle. People… IT’S FUCKING SOFTBALL! It’s not like we’re fighting to save the rain forest. For the love of all that is holy!
17. I’m now involved in a small claims case. Just the thought of NOT winning pisses me off. OK, I guess it’s a little early for anger now. I should probably watch a lot of Judge Judy just in case.
18. Despite my many attempts, I’m still the Transitioner.
19. I have to pee again.

I know, boo f’ing hoo. I must admit, I feel much better.

Mother Nature – Bitch

If Utah’s weather could be diagnosed in psychological terms, it would be classified as SCHIZOPHRENIC.

For example:

* There is a Christmas Day video from when I was 6. There is no snow on the ground, and me and my siblings are all running around the yard in short sleeves.
* About 3 years ago in snowed in July. SNOWED! It was about 90 degrees the week before, and then we experienced highs of 50 for about one week.
* The day I was married, March 20th, it was 83 degrees. I actually got sunburned while we were having our pictures taken outside.

You get the point, being that in Utah, the weather is a crazy thing. You never know what will happen.

Last week the mid-winter “blah” lifted for a few days as the sun not only peeked through the clouds, but actually full-on shone. Snow started melting. I think I saw a 1/4 of my lawn. At one point I actually sat outside in a t-shirt and pajama bottoms without freezing my butt off. I think it might have even hit the high 40’s, if not 50.

It was heaven!

I started getting all excited about my spring and summer yard plans. I looked through a perennial catalog that I recently received, and picked out about $100 worth of plants that I want (and some wonder why I’m single).

I looked around at all of the little outdoor projects that winter will not allow.

If pure will and desire could melt snow, I think my grass would be growing by now.

But it is not so, and all good things must come to an end, or so it seems. Mother Nature, the whore that she is, decided that she should take a snow dump on poor and unsuspecting northern Utah. Son of a Bitch!

And this wasn’t just a little ‘flurry’. It was the worst storm of the year. Not just because of the snow, which was bad enough (I got about 8 inches), but there were wind gusts of up to 70 miles an hour. I know people who had to sleep at their places of employment. 2 school buses were stranded, children on-board. A couple of kids couldn’t leave their school and spent the night there. Some schools closed the day after the storm (including my son’s). It took some people 7 hours to get home when normally it takes 45 minutes. Read about it here.

The only conclusion that I can come to is that Mother Nature hates me, and that I should probably live in Arizona.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Nothing screams romance like watching clips of people getting maimed (or at the very least, embarrassed). Enjoy, and feel the love.

Self Enforced Dry Spell

It’s been almost 2 months since I stopped dating.

In all honesty, I don’t miss it… at all.

Funny Shiz

In spite of my foul mood, this made me laugh. Enjoy.

Movie Theater Goodtimes!

A list of my top 4 weirdest, worstest, grossest, most annoyingest movie experiences:

• After months of excitement and hype, X-Men finally hit the big screens. When something this exciting happens, why not make it a family event?! Me, my husband (who I now lovingly refer to as my stupid ex), his dad and siblings, my parents, and a couple of friends decided to experience this visual delight together. It was great! I laughed, I cried. What I also did was wipe an ungodly amount of saliva off of the back of my neck after the man sitting behind me sneezed a sneeze that contained more phlegm and drool than has ever been recorded in the history of mankind. Come to think of it, I don’t remember much of the movie. I think was preoccupied with not punching that douche bag in the face while wondering if it was possible for me to not contract whatever vile disease that man just spewed all over my neck. I did, however, express my dissatisfaction with what he had just done, and gave him probably the best stink eye I’ve managed to conjure. “Sorry” wasn’t enough to win my forgiveness.

• You’ve all experienced it, being the only one in the theater. Well, it happened to me and a friend. It was delightful. We had the whole place all to ourselves. But wait… my dreams were dashed. Another couple waddled in just before the previews began. This was a fairly large theater of maybe 250 seats. And where did they sit? You guessed it… right next to me. No, not one chair between us next to me. Not right in front of me next to me. Not right behind me so that I could feel every time their pudgy feet kicked the back of my seat next to me. They sat in the chair RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO ME. I looked at them incredulously. Seriously… SERIOUSLY?! So I looked at my friend, and after an unspoken exchange, we moved down a few seats to put some space between me and Mr. and Mrs. Dip Shit. The freaks whisper back and forth for about 30 seconds, and then the woman leans over and says to me, “You know, that was really rude.” Anyone that knows me knows that I am not someone who enjoys confrontation, and will go out of my way to avoid it. I’m a lover, not a fighter. But there are rare circumstances when the army within rises up and fights, which relative to probably everyone else in the world, my “angry” times are very tame. This was one of those times. “Are you kidding me? Are you really that clueless? Do you not understand the concept of personal space? Take your eyes off your popcorn and Goobers and look around! There are 250 other seats in this theater, and you choose to sit RIGHT by me? Pure genius.” I pause for effect. “Now THAT is rude. Unfucking real.” I rarely swear in public, especially AT people. But I was pissed, they were stupid, and I was very confident that if they became angry, I could easily outrun them. I could have been out of that theater before they ever dislodged their asses rooted between the armrests. Fortunately, my final words were enough, and nothing more was said. However I did experience their near deafening popcorn chewing and wrapper rustling.

• Picture it: A husband sleeps outside for 2 days to purchase what every dork wants, Star Wars: Episode 1 tickets. The whole damn family is there. Now picture a young couple. The female member of this couple has a laser pointer. Throughout the ads playing before the previews and movie, she does all sorts of hilarious things on the screen that only a 19-year-old girl with a laser pointer can do. Ex looks around, trying to find the culprit behind this unappreciated comedy. He finds guilty the party and proceeds to give a look that is equally threatening and evil. Boyfriend of laser girl says to the ex, “Do you have a problem?” in a menacing way. The theater goes quiet. All eyes (including our family and a handful of friends) are shifting between the two men. Ex stands up and says, “Yeah, I do. And you’re going to have a problem if I see that laser on the screen ONE more time. I will walk over there, rip it out of her hands, and shove it up your ass. Understand?” Not only was there no more red dot on the screen, but everyone sitting around us was very, very quiet during the entire movie. SWEET!

• Hannibal (aka… Silence of the Lambs 2). Gory. Disturbing. Incredibly violent. A perfect family flick. But to the parents, and I use that word loosely, who showed up with their infant, 2-year-old, and 4-year-old in tow… WTF! Not only was the entire family loud and annoying, as children in movies can often be, but the movie also understandably frightened them. At one point, the 4-year-old says loudly, “Daddy, why is that man-eating his own head?” If you are so damn cheap that you refuse to hire a babysitter for your brood, maybe you should think about staying home. People. Are. Retarded.