Metamucil Is In My Near Future

I must be getting old. Because I’m not terribly old fashioned, and there is no other explanation for the way I feel.

This morning at my kids school Halloween Parade, I noticed a trend that I find slightly disturbing. What ever happened to the typical costumes of old?: The baby, Cheerleader, Ghost, Vampire, Strawberry Shortcake, etc.

About 1/3 of the girls in 6th grade were dressed up as, well, whores. SERIOUSLY! Tons of eye make-up, big hoop earrings, glitter from head to toe, short skirts, fishnet stockings complete with heels so high even I wouldn’t attempt to wear them, and belly shirts. Unless there is a new female superhero named Slutaton, who uses the force from her boobs slapping together to destroy her enemy, I don’t know what else these girls could be trying to dress up as.

Did I miss something?

As a parent, there is no way in hell that I would let my child walk out the door dressed like that, Halloween or not. And I sure as hell wouldn’t help her create the ensemble.

It must be me. I must be getting old. In my head I actually said the words “kids these days”. Shit. I guess I’ll not fight it. I shall roll with my geriatric thoughts patterns, stock up on my Metamucil and enima kits, and hit Sizzler for dinner at 4 pm.

BOOOOOOOOOORING.

As a real estate agent, I’m required to take a certain number of classes/hours in order to renew my license.

Right now, at this very moment, I’m sitting in one of these classes.

Someone… ANYONE… please, come save me. I am having thoughts of stabbing myself in the eye with my pencil just to add some excitement. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

And if you’d bring a club or some sort of hammer to beat the man sitting behind me… the long haired hippie agent that CANNOT not make a comment every 30 seconds. Kill me (and him)… please.

Good Failings

I love this blog, because:

Awww Hell

I got mine last month. My dad followed suit a week after my diagnosis. And because we’re a family that shares… PNEUMONIA for everyone! Hurray! Ian, my oldest, has been pretty sick this past week. He saw the doctor last Monday and they thought it was just the flu. Symptoms: Fevers that come and go, vomiting, a lot of coughing, and very lethargic and grumpy.

A week and still not getting better (kind of getting worse) prompted me to make another appointment. I already knew what it was, but I was hoping I was wrong. SO, I hauled all 3 kids into the den of germs and phlegm and low and behold, he’s got pneumonia. For the 3rd time in 3 years! Son of a … wait, that’d be me. Poor kid. He coughs almost non-stop, and ends up throwing up because of the damned coughing. At least this time we’ve managed to stay out of the hospital. *Knock on wood*

I love my kids, but I hate seeing them sick :(.

Glad I Went To The U

READ– CRAZY F’ING STORY

Even in my most active days, I would have been equally as disgusted and embarrassed for this place of “learning” as I am today. BARF! Since when did you have to be a member “in good standing” to get your diploma? What in the hell does this have to do with getting an education!?! So much for tithing being voluntary.

I know I know, the arguments that go something like, “but it’s a private institution… they have a right to blah blah blah”, and “he knew the rules when he applied”. That very well may be, but I question the motive behind the reasons WHY his diploma is being withheld. I get the feeling it’s more about making an example out of this man. Oh sure, he can get that piece of paper if and when he is a good boy and does what he’s told. Baaaa Baaaa.

What if he just doesn’t believe? Is it right for him to have to lie and go against what he NOW believes? Is it right that all of his hard work and money mean nothing? I have this crazy belief about going to college. You pay your money, jump through the hoops, study your arse off, deal with professors (good and bad), pay your dues, and in the end, you are rewarded with a little piece of paper that declares to all the world that yes, you survived the bullshit and made it!

What about those non-members that graduate from the school… I’m assuming they are not forced to believe, pay tithe, etc. I guess if they don’t publicly denounce the church and keep their evil deeds out of the limelight, all is well. The whole thing, it just seems, well, wrong.

Luckily I graduated from the U of U… had it been BYU, I’m sure the diploma police would be on my doorstep knocking right now.

Food for thought: I wonder how much money “the church” has made off of those pictures of Jesus dying on the cross… the one where he is shirtless. Hmmm.

Oh, I Feel A Burning In My Bosom

*I half-heartedly and half-ass apologize if this offends anyone*

There seems to be a never ending supply of relationship and dating advice from everyone around me, especially my married friends. Not that everything they say is without merit, but the “how to meet a nice guy” is where the arguments arise.

I find it interesting that these married friends (who happen to be MORMON married people with no recent dating experience whatsoever) feel like they actually have a grasp on what it’s like for me and those in my similar situation.

Here is a recent IM conversation my friend forwarded to me (thanks friend 🙂 ) that took place between her and a co-worker:
(my friend will be referred to as “HER”… the man will be known as “Captain Priesthood”)

Captain Priesthood: I just think you can’t complain if you are looking for guys online. I mean by their very definition they are … guys who are online.
Her: That’s nice. I have a lot of friends who’ve met their husbands and boyfriends online.
Captain Priesthood: heh, not nice, but probably true, and you deserve better.
Her: So that makes me less-than because I’m online? If you’re not religious, there aren’t really a lot of options for meeting men.
Captain Priesthood: heh, naw, online girls are just a little geeky. But online guys… you never know where in the spectrum they belong.
Her: That sounds like every guy.
Captain Priesthood: heh, not all are that bad I would hope I’m not that bad.
Her: I’m sure my nice guy is out there…I just have to wait for him to get divorced.
Captain Priesthood: I’ll say this once, and then I wont say it again. But I think you would be much happier with the blessings the gospel has to offer, and you will find someone who cares and treats you well. I say this because this is what I have found, and why I am still lds. Now I won’t say any more spiritual/personal stuff like that I am just sad that guys treat you like junk, or they are creepy.

How ever well intended, I have a couple of problems with Oh Captain My Captains words of wisdom.

1) I seriously question advice from anyone who continually uses “heh” to begin almost every line in a conversation.
2) This relationship advice is from someone who didn’t kiss his wife until AFTER they were married. Not even once. Some may think this is cute or even sweet. I think it’s FUCKING CRAZY!
3) I was married within the confines of the “gospel”. It worked out really well for me. Marrying a priesthood holder didn’t save my marriage. It didn’t make it better. It didn’t make him respect me. He could still be a real prick.
4) I’ve dated a lot in the past 2+ years. Many of these men have been LDS. Let me run these fun personal statistics by you:

• 3… Yes, 3 of these fabulous priesthood holders I met tried (and only 1 successfully) pulled out their holy cocks to masturbate in front of me.
• 1 man that I met at an adult singles ward (and had known for months and considered a friend) waited all of 15 seconds on our first date to stick his tongue down my throat and shove his hands up my shirt to cop a feel.
• 4 men that professed their love of the gospel and determination to be “good” showed their respect for me by trying to screw me on the first date.
• 10 of them tried to or did make out with me (and tried to take it further) on a first date.
  There are more awesome figures, but I think you get the idea.

5) I’m online and I happen to be a pretty nice, normal, honest woman.
6) In Utah, a predominantly LDS state, the divorce rate is right in line with the rest of the country. Utah also has one of the highest rates of domestic abuse. Ahhh… I feel the spirit.
7) Just so I’m clear, trying to meet a man online means you’re asking to be treated like shit? “I just think you can’t complain if you are looking for guys online”. Kind of like if you go to a bar and bare a little cleavage you’re asking to get raped. Or those damn kids who are so damn cute they are just begging to get molested.

My theory about online dating is that for many people, especially those around my age, it may be the best (if not only) way to meet possible matches. Is it perfect? No. But I believe there are people like me that are looking for genuine, long term relationships. There aren’t any more freaks online than you’d find out in the real world. The men you find online are a pretty good representation of all men, just concentrated in one forum.

Men, wherever or however you meet them, can simply just be assholes. Dating a man with or without the “priesthood” has yet to protect me. In all honesty, the non-mormon men I’ve dated have shown me more respect and consideration than their mormon counterparts. But generally I’ve had good and bad experiences with men regardless of how we became acquainted or their religious practices.

It’s not that I don’t love you, my dear sweet friends, but until one of you allow me to marry your awesome husband and become the second wife, or set me up with a half decent guy, how about you save your opinions for bible study.

IT

The idea was that I would let “it” go. Put it behind me and move on.

Since my divorce over two years ago, I have never felt afraid living alone (well, sans a man). My home has been a sanctuary… A place that I’ve always felt safe and comfortable.

But since “it” happened, and despite my resolve to let it roll over and off of me, I find myself in a constant state of hyper-awareness. Acutely aware of every car that drives by. Every noise outside. Every door that opens and shuts. Every time my dog lifts his head when he hears something.

I force my dog to sleep in my room. I look out the window to make sure no one is there. Every time my phone begins to vibrate, I’m afraid who it might be.

As much as I tell myself that I will not give it any more power or let it affect me, it obviously has. While I’ve been able to, for the most part, slip into my comforting and protective “numb”, I wonder if and how this will change my life.

Will I be able to love, trust, relax, surrender? Will my mind forever scream “stranger danger!”? At this point, I’d take being able to go to bed without obsessively checking every lock. Here’s hoping.

It’s A Little Out Of The Ordinary

I’m not much of a shopper.

As a child, I absolutely HATED when my mother would take me out twice a year to try on clothing. It was a tearful experience. And I haven’t changed much as an adult (although now I cry for different reasons when I’m in that evil, flourescent lit, mirror enveloping enclosure). But occasionally when the mood hits or I actually need something, I’ll venture out.

The problem with me shopping is that 1) I don’t love it, 2) I hate spending money… I’m a cheap bastard, and 3) I have about an hour max shopping time limit, after which I start to resemble a schizophrenic psychopath.

About a month ago, I did a little clothing inventory and realized that I really only have 3 pairs of jeans. Only 2 of them I really like. And even though shorts ARE totally hot, they are not very practical when it’s 40 below. So instead of actually leaving the comforts of my home to brave the mall (and because of my shopping dislike and just general laziness), I made the internet my bitch.

Dangerous, I know. Jeans are really something that should be tried on. But I took a chance and true to the “nothing ventured, nothing gained” saying, it was a chance that very well may change my life forever. I AM IN LOVE! That love was found in a $27.99 pair of jeans. These pants may become my mostus favoriteust EVER!! And no, it’s not a mirage. Nor is it a dream. You are seeing things correctly. There is a big ole’ butt on your screen. But you need the “ass shot” to fully appreciate the delightfulness of these sassy little pants.

They are so cute that I was inspired to get way outside my comfort zone and purchase a pair of $19 red Mary Jane heels. They scream “I’m cute AND sexy”… I can’t wait until I slip them on and like Dorthy, am magically transported to OZ. Ok, that may be an overstatement, but damn it, I think they’re swell.

No Wonder It Makes People Crazy

I happened upon this little gem full of useful and completely irrelevant information and found it rather entertaining. Love… the double edged sword. Enjoy 🙂

25 Fascinating Love Facts

By Laura Schaefer Love is mysterious, fascinating, and when you find it with the right person, there’s nothing better. Here are 25 surprising love facts to puzzle over and embrace.

Love is a many-splendored thing … and a very surprising thing, too. As if you needed proof of that, here are 25 funny little facts about love. Study them, scratch your head over them, and share them with someone you fancy.

1. Men who kiss their wives in the morning live five years longer than those who don’t.

2. People are more likely to tilt their heads to the right when kissing instead of the left (65 percent of people go to the right!).

3. When it comes to doing the deed early in the relationship, 78 percent of women would decline an intimate rendezvous if they had not shaved their legs or underarms.

4. Feminist women are more likely than other females to be in a romantic relationship.

5. Two-thirds of people report that they fall in love with someone they’ve known for some time vs. someone that they just met.

6. There’s a reason why office romances occur: The single biggest predictor of love is proximity.

7. Falling in love can induce a calming effect on the body and mind and raises levels of nerve growth factor for about a year, which helps to restore the nervous system and improves the lover’s memory.

8. Love can also exert the same stress on your body as deep fear. You see the same physiological responses — pupil dilation, sweaty palms, and increased heart rate.

9. Brain scans show that people who view photos of a beloved experience an activation of the caudate — the part of the brain involving cravings.

10. The women of the Tiwi tribe in the South Pacific are married at birth.

11. The “Love Detector” service from Korean cell phone operator KTF uses technology that is supposed to analyze voice patterns to see if a lover is speaking honestly and with affection. Users later receive an analysis of the conversation delivered through text message that breaks down the amount of affection, surprise, concentration and honesty of the other speaker.

12. Eleven percent of women have gone online and done research on a person they were dating or were about to meet, versus seven percent of men.

13. Couples’ personalities converge over time to make partners more and more similar.

14. The oldest known love song was written 4,000 years ago and comes from an area between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers.

15. The tradition of the diamond engagement ring comes from Archduke Maximillian of Austria who, in the 15th century, gave a diamond ring to his fiancée, Mary of Burgundy.

16. Forty-three percent of women prefer their partners never sign “love” to a card unless they are ready for commitment.

17. People who are newly in love produce decreased levels of the hormone serotonin — as low as levels seen in people with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Perhaps that’s why it’s so easy to feel obsessed when you’re smitten.

18. Philadelphia International Airport finished as the No. 1 best airport for making a love connection, according to an online survey.

19. According to mathematical theory, we should date a dozen people before choosing a long-term partner; that provides the best chance that you’ll make a love match.

20. A man’s beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.

21. Every Valentine’s Day, Verona, the Italian city where Shakespeare’s play Romeo and Juliet took place, receives around 1,000 letters addressed to Juliet.

21. When we get dumped, for a period of time we love the person who rejected us even more, says Dr. Helen Fisher of Rutgers University and author of Why We Love. The brain regions that lit up when we were in a happy union continue to be active.

22. People telling the story of how they fell in love overwhelmingly believe the process is out of their control.

23. Familiarity breeds comfort and closeness … and romance.

24. One in five long-term love relationships began with one or both partners being involved with others.

25. OK, this one may not surprise you, but we had to share it: Having a romantic relationship makes both genders happier. The stronger the commitment, the greater the happiness!

The Dating Do’s and Don’ts – Part 3

If you happened to miss The Dating Do’s and Don’ts Part 1 and Part 2, here they are for your information and enjoyment.

Todays installment will focus on the do’s and don’ts of blind dating, specifically when meeting online:

DO: There is no set rule on how communication after meeting online should happen. Some people like to get the first date out of the way. Some like to get to know each other a little (or a lot). It’s not a matter of being right or wrong, because people have different rules and it’s a matter of preference. But don’t press your possible date into communicating with you the way YOU want. Be respectful.
DON’T: Sometimes people just want to ease into communication. If your date isn’t down for the phone conversation, but asks you questions about yourself via e-mail, do not respond the following way:
“Text or callme for hellsakes lol, we could cover in a sec what would take me fo eveva to type out”. Not only may she not WANT to text or callya, but you end up looking retarded.

DO: It’s OK to ask for your potential dates phone number, but be respectful. Don’t call or text her all the time. That’s called stalking. A conversation or two is a good way to get to know a little bit about each other before the face-to-face meeting, and can give you good conversation ideas for the impending date. And it’s always polite and a good idea to call when you say you’re going to. If you say you’re going to do something, do it.
DON’T: Do not call this potential love puppy after 10 pm (unless she/he asks you to), OR, before 9 am. People work. People sleep. Sometimes the conversation clicks and you want to keep talking, but limit the length.

DO: During the pre-date conversations, whether by email, IM, or phone, feel free to ask questions about your possible date. But keep it appropriate. Try to not delve too deep. Sometimes there are things that a person should know about you. And there are things you should keep to yourself, and things you shouldn’t ask. Remember, this is a stranger, and nothing is their business unless you make it their business. And you risk freaking the person out!
DON’T: It’s probably not a good idea to say the following things to your date BEFORE you are actually dating, OR before you actually meet: EXAMPLE 1: “I was homeless for awhile and was arrested and then placed in a mental hospital. When I got out I was too afraid to leave my house for over 6 months. But I’m OK now… I live with my mom, don’t have a car, but ride my bike everywhere:”. EXAMPLE 2: “I have 2 daughters 7 months apart in age”. EXAMPLE 3: “I really feel like you’re the one… I think I love you”. EXAMPLE 4: “I’m still in love with my former girlfriend/wife”. And if this is you, you should not be dating! EXAMPLE 5: “I don’t believe in love”. Please… take yourself out of the dating pool.

DO: Being playful and innocent teasing can be a good thing. It allows you to flirt without making things too intense or uncomfortable. It also lightens the mood of what can often be a stressful situation. Feel free to be a little silly on your first date, but keep it kind and keep it appropriate.
DON’T: DO NOT take your date go-cart racing and then ram her into the wall numerous times. Especially when she specifically asks you NOT to do. Do not trip your date as she’s walking. While playing miniature golf, do not continually hit the back of your dates knee with your golf club as she is putting. It’s not cute, it’s just annoying. If you were 7 years old, this behavior might be acceptable. But you’re not, and it isn’t.

DO: If you happen to talk to your blind date a lot before the big day, keep things in check. Remember that you haven’t met this person and the connection that you feel via electronic communication devices may not translate well in person. Again, it’s great getting to know someone, but try to keep a rein on your excitement.
DON’T: Sometimes things just don’t click on a first/blind date. If you’re not feeling it, be honest. Don’t tell your date that you’d like to see him/her again if you have no intention of calling or making another date. A basic “it was really nice meeting you” will suffice. On the flip side, if your date isn’t into you, DO NOT call or text her over and over again, begging her to call you. Do not cry and tell her that you feel like she’s the one. It’s pathetic and makes it very awkward for that person. IT WAS A FIRST DATE! Let it go (psycho).

DO: Pay attention to the signals you are getting. If at the end of a date the person seems receptive to a hug, go ahead and do it. But always be respectful. If there is chemistry or a connection, and you’re confident another date will follow, hold back. It’s always best to do LESS than overstep boundaries and screw things up.
DON’T: Your date may be into you, but may not feel ready or willing to have you hold her hand or accept a kiss. Maybe your date is undecided about how she feels. Give your date some space. DO NOT lean in to kiss your date after you’ve already unsuccessfully tried and she pulled back and turned her head. It’s not a “no means yes” sort of thing. Moron.

These are just a few blind date tips. Just keep in mind that this person is a stranger, regardless of how many times or at what length you’ve talked on the phone. Go in with a positive attitude, but keep ahold of your heart and your head. Be respectful. Be fun. Be yourself, unless you happen to be a jackass. This is the time when you are making a first impression… Don’t fuck it up!