There is nothing like the thought of losing someone you love to put things into perspective.
For lack of a better word, I’ve been depressed the past few months. But today, none of the things that were bothering me seem like a big deal. I guess it’s true what they say…it can always get worse.
A few months ago my ex-husband noticed a bump on our daughters neck. Her pediatrician examined her, and noticed other bumps as well. Blood tests were ordered, and Emma went on a 14 day course of antibiotics, just “in case” the lumps were a result of an infection.
All test results came back normal, but the lumps didn’t get smaller. Not only was there no shrinkage, but they continued to grow and get bigger.
Her doctor referred us to a specialist (ENT) at Primary Children’s Hospital.
Of course it took us 2 weeks to get in to see him. It’s hard enough when it’s your own health you’re concerned about. But when it’s your child, the wait is excruciating.
I expected the ENT to look at her, and tell me that it wasn’t a big deal…that her enlarged lymph nodes were a result of her being so damn cute, and that they were a predictor of her being a creepishly awesome woman.
But as he man-handled her neck, his face took on a kind of scowl.
“I’m not really concerned, but I’d like to send her for a CT Scan…today if possible.”
Uh huh, so you’re not worried, but we’ve got to get this done ASAP. Very reassuring doc…thanks.
Off to radiology we go. Emma had to have an I.V., and was so brave and cute. The techs loved her…what’s not to love. She held still like she was told, and chattered about the goofiest things.
The radiologist walked into the what they call the “CONTROL ROOM”, and took a look at the picture on the computer. What I saw on her face scared the shit out of me. It was that same scowl that I saw on the face of the ENT. Do they teach this in medical school? Oh yes, all 2nd year students must take the “How to confuse and scare the shit out of patients” class. I’m sure it’s always the first one to fill up.
She came into the room and told me that she needed to take a closer look at the scan in her office, and they would get back to us.
Maybe I’m over-reacting. Maybe it’s nothing. Honestly, I think it is nothing. But I’m wondering if it’s my instincts telling me that, or wishful thinking. But I DID NOT get the calming reassurance that I was looking for. I expected to walk out of the hospital with my fears expelled. I now am more worried than ever.
The thought of losing a child is the absolute worst thought I can imagine. My parents went through it, and they survived. But it has changed them…and our family…forever.
So here I am for the first time in months NOT worrying about a guy, my life as a divorced single mom, money, work, or anything else but my beautiful child.
I hope that this is just a wake-up call–another shitty learning experience–in which I realize what is really important. God, I hope so.