Archive for November 2007

Tasty!

November 30, 2007

“You know, when I was little, my mother told me that life for a woman is kind of like a shit sandwich, and we’ve all got to take a bite.” – Line from the movie “Gracie“.

As much as I’d like to say it isn’t so, I can’t deny that it does have a ring of truth to it. And I’m just trying to swallow my big ass bite.

Mmmm… Thank you mam, may I have another?

Attracting the Wrong Kind

November 26, 2007

Where relationships are involved, I’ve always believed that there is truth to the theory that you attract the type of person who mirrors how you feel about yourself. Meaning that if you feel worthless, you’ll attract someone who sees you as worthless. Someone who doesn’t value or respect you.

Unfortunately I’m no exception to this rule.

I’m not sure if it is because I emit vibes that people who may be less than deserving can pick up on, like an animal sensing weak prey. Or if it’s because I allow people into my life that I normally would not when I’m not feeling good about myself.

If all of this is true, then how can I explain my current problem. I know what I want and what, in theory, I believe I deserve. But I can’t seem to figure out how to attract the ‘right’ kind of men.

All too often men see me as someone that’s good for a roll in the hay, and maybe for a little friendship mixed in, but I’ve had trouble finding a man that sees me as something more.

It pisses me off. It’s infuriating! But according to the theory, I must believe these things about myself, at least on some level, if that’s what I keep attracting.

A friends-with-benefits is NOT what I am after. I’ve been described as “irresistible”. Even “very fuckable”. That’s really sweet and all, but my question is this: Why am I not seen as “lovable” and “the woman that I would want to spend the rest of life withable”?

I guess I should have been flattered when an old “friend” called me out of the blue and proposed that we have a relationship based on meaningless sex with no commitment. Or how the 2 married men see me as having great “other woman” potential. And yet flattered I’m not.

I guess that the negative beliefs about myself must be on a subconscious level despite the fact that I now see myself as someone who deserves good things. If these beliefs are indeed subconscious, how do I change what I’m not even aware of?!

The concept of arranged marriages is making more sense and sounds more appealing to me everyday.

Thanksgiving Shmanksgiving

November 23, 2007

I’ve heard is said that turkey can make you sleepy. But after yesterdays feast on turkey, Fillet Mignon (don’t ask… it’s a new “tradition” my parents have started), mashed potatoes, sweet potato souffle, rolls, grape juice and pie, I’ve formed a new theory. That these ingredients combined with a divorced mom of three, a house full of 18 people, a mostly moronic ex- boyfriend sort of in the picture create a not-so-happy Meggypoo. I am so utterly frustrated, grumpy, and bitter that I should be wearing a “approach with caution” sign around my neck.

Stupid Thanksgiving.

One Day At A Time

November 19, 2007

I think that anyone who walks through the fires of divorce and emerges alive will tell you that not only is it a time of sadness and depression, but also one of self-discovery and learning.

For me, there are days when it feels like I’ve got it all figured out. I know what I want, and will not settle for anything less. And then there are those other days. Days when I feel unworthy, unwanted, and pathetic at best.

This is just something that I’ve come to accept. Not acceptance in that I am throwing in the towel or giving in. I just realize that there are days when I’m going to feel like shit. And THAT is OK. But I always keep in mind that it is just one day… that tomorrow or the next day will be different, maybe better. That just because I feel like crap today does not make it my reality.

Oh Baby

November 16, 2007

This past weekend I attended a baby shower for one of my closest friends. One of the guests brought her 4 week old baby. Everyone drooled and squealed over this little bundle of joy. Yes, he was adorable. Yes, I thought he was very sweet. And yes, he reminded me that I have NO desire whatsoever to have another one.

No baby in the world could make me forget the reality of what a baby means.

“Babies are great, as long as they are not mine.”

This statement caused one of the women to look at me as if I was Satan’s whore. She was shocked, like she couldn’t believe that I, a mother of three, could say such a thing.

Just for clarification purposes, let me state these simple facts: 1) I love babies. I like holding them, looking at them, and have no problem changing a diaper and can even deal with getting spit up on. But my affection for babies doesn’t mean I have to want to have more. I’ve always liked monkeys, but does that mean I want to own one? That’s a negative. 2) I’ve had three of them already…THREE! And two of those at the same time. For three years of my life, I felt like babies were dripping off of me. I spent 5 years changing diapers, over 2 years, collectively, breastfeeding. And a total of 18 months pregnant. So NO, I don’t really want to do it again. 3) Just because I don’t want any more kids doesn’t mean I’m a baby or child hater. It just means that I’ve been there, done that, and have moved on to another stage in my life.

So don’t give me the stink eye when I tell you that seeing a new baby, as sweet and cute and innocent as it is, doesn’t evoke feelings strong enough to make me want to do it again. Frankly, as much as I enjoyed those years, I really enjoy sleep. And my body. And my boobs not leaking every hour. And I’m not overly eager to add to my stretch mark collection.

I could take a picture of the downstairs bathroom (the one that my boys use), and that is ALL I would need to do to convince you. As much as I love them, it’s hard work. And the thought of starting over? I’ll stick with looking at babies from afar.

The Devil’s Bed

November 12, 2007

bed.jpg

My bed. So big. So warm. So wonderful. Its king sized pillow-topped softness envelopes me and makes it almost impossible for me to do anything except lay there and enjoy the pleasure that is my bed.

And in this weather, the heating blanket doesn’t help motivate me to leave it’s cozy comforts. It only adds to my bed’s seductiveness.

This kind of gluttonous relaxation is something people only dream about. And yet it’s a reality for me. But there is a very sinister and evil side to this delight. A double-edged sword to be sure. I just want to stay there (or should I say here, seeing as it’s where I’m writing this post from)… all day long. I don’t want to leave the warmth that my body heat and electric blanket have worked so hard to create and sustain.

So while I should be doing laundry, the dishes, organizing my horribly disorganized office, working, playing with my kids (while NOT horizontal), I lay in bed. It has a grip on me. I’m pretty sure it’s just like being a heroin addict. Except I still have all of my teeth and it hasn’t caused me to lose any weight :(.

But it has made me come to really appreciate my laptop. I can’t imagine what else I wouldn’t get done if I couldn’t “internet” from the comfort of Satan’s lair… I mean my bed.

 

Moment of Clarity After Weeks of Foolishness

November 10, 2007

Sympathy and empathy are great qualities to have. And having compassion for those in pain, especially when you are part of the cause CAN be a good thing.

So after ending a relationship two weeks ago, I felt bad for the guy. He was broken hearted. He is somewhat clueless when it comes to the art of dating and didn’t treat me the way I wanted or deserved, but the break up was painful for him. It wasn’t pleasant for me either. I tried to make it better with an attempt at going the “friends” route. Partly to ease his pain, and partly to make the social situations where we are bound to see each other more comfortable.

I’ve put up with the irrational and sometimes insulting texts, and even agreed to getting together in a public place.

Tonight we discussed this possible get together (all via text, which is the ONLY way we communicate… bleh). It quickly went downhill. It became clear that we were talking about two different things. Me: smooth things over and be friends. Him: “Mad sex”.

Yeah, as in NO! I don’t think he liked my response. I came to this conclusion when he responded to my “no” with a “whatever” (yes, the maturity shines through).

The GOOD thing about all of this is that I no longer feel bad for ending the relationship. I no longer have any desire to attempt to heal his broken heart. Tonight was the final and biggest confirmation that I made the right decision. Yes, I should have stuck to my guns, not let myself get sucked in the “text wars”, and made a clean break from the get go. Better late than never. Nothing cured my empathy like his “u wanna have sex?” text.