S.O.S.

Why do I do this to myself time and time again?

Is it because I hate myself? No… It’s because my proverbial eyes are bigger than my proverbial stomach.

It was a combination of the dirt tracked in daily from the garage, and my stupid ass cat peeing on the carpet that made me decide to tile the hallway in the basement. Which then turned into the laundry room as well.

I’m in that shitty place where I’ve demolished/removed everything, so there is no turning back. But I have a ton of work ahead of me.

DAMN DAMN DAMN!

And I’m pooped… I’ve got nothing left in me. I would  prostitute myself to get someone else to do this. Grrr.

The Lake

I wasn’t ideal. It was a little cool/cold, stormy, with some serious wind storms. But Lake Powell was nice, and it diverted my attentions away from some unpleasant things.

I did a little wake boarding, and even some tubing.

There was a little gambling involved (although it was only with Starbursts), movie watching, and a lot of reading.

Also, there was a bird there that stalked me. It stalked me, hunted me down, and deliberately changed course so that it could take a crap on me. Well, little bird, all you got was my hand! I was on to you! I saw what was in that evil little mind of yours, and saved my hair while sacrificing my hand. Damn you you foul fowl!

I came home Saturday (which happened to be my birthday), and wasn’t feeling so hot on drive. It went from blah to BLAH… as in the sound I made as I vomited repeatedly into the toilet later that night. I’m not sure why I was sick… food poisoning? Dehydration? A bug? Regardless, I’m feeling much better today and almost back to my old self.

A year older (unfortunately I’m not sure I’m much wiser), another L.P. trip under my belt. And life goes on.

Of course I forgot my camera, which was REALLY annoying since there were some beautiful sites that I really wish I could have captured. I’ll just have to settle for this fairly lame shot I took from the boat with my cell phone.

My Last Rant – About This One

I’m on my way to Lake Powell tomorrow. It’s my annual Memorial Day/It’s my Birthday trip. It’s the one vacation that I go on WITHOUT my kids that I look forward most each year.

I am so damn grumpy today that I can’t even make myself excited about it. That and the stupid weather forecast does not look good.

Back to my bitching.

I hate feeling the way I do right now. I’m angry, hurt, bitter, sad, confused, and slightly disgusted with myself. If there were a pill to cure it, I’d gladly become a “whatever-the-name-of-that-pill-is” whore.

I should have listened to my rational and smart self and not other relationship dorks out there. I shouldn’t have sent the email. Instead of feeling better… having some kind of closure… it cracked open a door. A door that leads nowhere but to DIP SHIT LAND.

My note was not insulting, or even very emotional. It was very matter of fact. Frankly, I’m proud of the level of maturity I showed. His response:

“I’m sorry I hurt you, I really am. I ended up having a really bad week. ***** (his daughter) became sick, the state came after me for the bill etc, and I ended up having to get a biopsy today and I will be out of doing anything for a while. I will call you next week. I am not a prick and I didn’t want to hurt you or your kids. But apparently I am a little sick again. Nothing makes my disapearing ok, but I am sorry, and I do apologize, and I will call you next week.”

All together now… Awwww.

It might have held some weight had he not said everything that he did, and had everything that happened between us not happened.

And it might have even been more convincing had I not seen him online later that night trolling the internet dating site where we met. Yes, you must be in SOOO much pain and SOOO stressed. Hitting up da ladies is how I always get feeling better.

Your bullshit excuse isn’t comforting… It’s just adding to the pile of excrement that you have already shoveled on top of my head.

I was willing to overlook and support you with regards to everything… the broken car, the “illness”, the lame job, etc. That is when I thought I knew the man that you were. All that I see is a big defective used maxi-pad.

So take you sore little prostate and shove it further up your ass.

OK, the rant is over.

I hope that I have fun at the lake. I hope that I’m able to put this all behind me and come back into town with a fresh prespective and healed heart.

The Dating Do’s and Don’ts – Part 2

Part 1 was a good start, and here’s the continuation. Once you are dating someone, here’s a few clues on what you should do, and things to avoid:

DO: If you’re interested in a woman, it’s OK to say so. But make sure that your words actually match how you feel.
DON’T: Don’t tell a woman that you feel like she may be the one. Or that you’ve never been this excited about any woman ever (even your former wife). Or that you’re not going anywhere. Or that you’re excited to see her, just to never actually speak to her again. It’s cruel and it’s childish.

DO: Have an actual working car if you plan on dating someone.
DON’T: Don’t tell the woman you’re dating that your car just broke down and that you’re getting it fixed this week when in 3 weeks, you still have the same story. If you can’t afford to fix your car, or be bothered with doing it, you’re not ready to be dating.

DO: Be thoughtful when dating a woman with children. If you’re not willing to settle down with someone with kids, don’t date her. If you are OK with the kids thing, great… but realize that you’re not just dating the mom. It’s a package deal.
DON’T: When a mom is in a hospital waiting room while her daughter is having surgery, do not say “this is the last time you’ll go through this alone” unless those are actually your intentions. ALSO, never tell a woman’s child that you’re planning a play date with her and your own child unless you are going to do it.

DO: Hey, not all relationships work out. It’s OK. If your feelings change or feel like things aren’t working out, be honest and communicate your feelings.
DON’T: DO NOT just walk away without saying anything. It’s not OK to just change your profile from “seeing someone and seeing how that works out” to “out and about” without actually telling the person you’re dating. Show a little bit of respect. Hopefully at some point you actually cared about that persons feelings. And even if you want out, pulling a David Copperfield and up and vanishing is not cool. NOT COOL. It’s creepy and cowardly.

DO: Texting… it can be a good thing. If you are in a meeting or out with friends, and don’t want to be entirely rude by making a phone call, it’s pretty handy. But call once in awhile. Women like to hear your voice. We want to know what you’re thinking about us. We need a little confirmation and reassurance like everyone else. Unless you are under 18, at least try to act like a man and pick up the phone, dial her phone number, move your lips and push some air between them.
DON’T: Do not tell a woman that you are going to call her if you aren’t. In fact, don’t make any promises that you don’t intend to keep. You may be an asshole, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a lying asshole.

I hope that this has been another helpful installment of Dating Do’s and Don’ts. Until next time.

Make That 100

That 1% I was holding out for, or hoping for?

I’m changing that statistic to 100%.

Mother’s Day Realization

This Mother’s Day, as my kids gave me the cute cards they created, it hit me. It’s me who should be thanking them.

Things I’ve learned from my kids:

• Acceptance: They accept everyone just as they are. My oldest doesn’t care that his best friend comes from a poor family. He doesn’t mind that one of his friends in school is black. They don’t notice if someone is wearing jeans from Wal-mart or a designer brand. They don’t care if someone talks a little funny, or acts a little weird. They see the qualities in people that really matter.
• Trust: Maybe it’s the lack of life experience, but it’s a quality I love in them. They trust people even when given a reason not to. Even when I let them down they don’t become jaded or bitter… they move past it and believe in me again.
• Forgiveness: They are true masters in forgiving and forgetting. They may fight and argue, but they don’t hold grudges. One steals a toy, the other throws a punch. But 5 minutes later, they are laughing and playing together.
• Love: Being a mom has taught me more about love than any other relationship I’ve been in. From the moment they took their first breaths, the unconditional love that I have for them has been indescribable. There is nothing that they could do that would ever change that. They have taught me to love unconditionally and fiercely.
• Patience: Sitting in isolation in a hospital room for 5 days would be enough to drive anyone crazy. But the way that Emma took it all in stride was truly amazing. She didn’t EVER complain when they poked her numerous times a day to draw blood. She didn’t cry because the nurses kept coming in at night to take vital signs. She hasn’t whined about having to sit still for hours while she receives her i.v. antibiotics at home.
• Attitude: They have the most positive attitudes of anyone I’ve known. They can take a seemingly crappy situation and see the good and potential fun in it.
• Fun: My kids can have enjoy themselves anywhere! Even when I’m feeling tired or grumpy, they have a way of making even the most mundane tasks like making lunch fun. They say the cutest things that can’t help but make me smile.
• Relationships: They have a pure appreciation for the people in their lives. They don’t see people as disposable commodities.
• Honesty: Sometimes embarrassingly so, my kids are honest to the core. They have not learned to warp the truth to sugar coat things or manipulate. If they are hurt, you know about it. If they are happy, you feel that as well.
• Empathy: When they hear a story about a child dying, they cry for them. At my grandmothers funeral, they softly touched her face and whispered their goodbyes in her ear. And then went over to my sad mother and gave her a hug and told her it would be OK. When they see me upset or grumpy, they are quick to throw their arms around my neck and tell me that they love me.
• Romance: Being a single mom, and back in the dating shark infested waters pool, they have indirectly helped me to make some of the best choices in possible mates. On my own I may have settled for someone that probably was not right for me. But being a mom and wanting the best for my children has forced me to “weed” out undesirable men (maybe not as soon as I should have, but it’s the result that counts, right?) that I may have otherwise settled for. They have helped me to realize not only what I want and need for myself, but also for them.
• Selflessness: I believe that it is human nature to (at times) be selfish. It’s not always a bad thing. But being a mom has taught me how to put my own desires aside to accomplish a bigger (and more important) goal.
• Joy: I remember thinking about what my life as a wife and a mother would look like. In some ways it is very much that way. But many things didn’t turn out as I expected. The years since my children were born have brought many “trials”. But I can say that each and every one of them has taught me something about myself. Most poignantly, about joy. This may be the biggest lesson I’ve learned from my little ankle bitters: Even though it may look different than the picture painted in my head, I am blessed. I feel joy from the simple things in my life. A kind of joy that no car, home, hot tub or job can provide.

By no means do I claim to have perfect children. Sometimes they throw fits. Sometimes they cry. Sometimes they get on my last nerve and test my patience. Sometimes I think about selling them to the gypsies.

But I can with certainty say that I’m better because of them. They unknowingly help me strive daily to be a better mom, woman, lover, friend, ex-wife, daughter, and person. They keep me grounded and enable me to see the big picture. Their existence brings me a clarity and gives my life purpose beyond just living day to day.

I feel blessed to be their mother. I am in awe of their goodness. I pray that I can be the mother that they deserve and hope that in spite of my downfalls, they will become the amazing people they have the potential to be.

This post is dedicated to my children — who have taught me more in 8 years than I could have learned in a lifetime without them:

One In A Hundred

Time and time again, I have cursed the world of online dating. I won’t go into the gory details of why, suffice it to say that for the most part, I don’t think it works. I’m going to throw out a statistic that has NO support or science behind it whatsoever: You have about a 1% chance of finding love online. OUCH!

Since my divorce almost 2 years ago, I’ve joined a number of sites on and off, which have pretty much yielded the same results: Nothing good.

While I think that meeting people in the “real” world dramatically increases your chances of finding a match that will ‘stick’, sometimes all it takes is that 1%. I’m hoping that this one actually happens to be that one in a hundred.

Home At Last!

Just a little update:

Emma was released from the Hospital Saturday night, which was a pleasant surprise after being told it might be Tuesday.

She was taken into surgery Friday night to open up the infected site, clean it out, place a drain, and then also place a PICC line (it’s an i.v. line that leads directly into her heart) that allows me to give her the i.v. antibiotics at home.

So every 8 hours, I play the role of nurse. The process pretty much requires that I put my entire life on hold, seeing as the ex refuses to step up and be a good dad participate in medicating her. The medicine runs for 2 hours, and takes about a total of 30 min. of prep. time and clean up.

I was pretty nervous about having this responsibility, but I’ve gotten the hang of it and it’s working out well.

For now, she’s home, and I am hoping/praying that we can fight this infection without having to make another voyage to the hospital.

On the upside, it looks like the rotten and poor excuse for a guest hospital bed DID get some use… thanks for coming by and helping us with the checking out Porty 🙂

M.R.S.A.? You Can B.I.T.E. Me!

The majority of my posts are written from the comfort of my bed. I am here to testify that writing from a box covered with a sheet and blanket hospital bed is just not the same.

A few posts ago I talked about my daughters surgery on April 21st. It had been a pretty uneventful recovery, although there was some swelling at the surgery site (the swelling that I was told was “normal” each time I called to ask about it). This past Tuesday she had a post-op checkup. The first thing the doctor said when he saw her incision was “this is really big. It shouldn’t be swollen like this.”

Which lead him into telling me the lab results that he has just gotten that morning. No cancer… GREAT NEWS! But when cultured, the lymph node had grown out an infection. A staph infection. A potentially life threatening staph infection called MRSA (Multi-drug Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus). A “I fucking kill people… babies, kids, adults” staph infection.

To read about my new nemesis, visit this link. My most favorite lines from these articles are like this one: MRSA infections are responsible for more deaths in the U.S. each year than AIDS. Or the one that states that of the 95,000 people hospitalized with MRSA, over 19,000 of them die. Wow… that gives me warm fuzzies all over my body.

Emma started a course of a powerful oral anti-biotic on Tuesday. By Wednesday the swelling continued to get worse, and by 7 p.m. we were at the hospital. It’s now Friday morning, and we still don’t know when we’re going to be able to go home.

Emma is on an i.v. anti-biotic called VANCOMYCIN. That in and of itself is fun, since she has a weird reaction to it called RED MAN SYNDROME… not dangerous, but agitating and sometimes painful :(.

But, for the first time since this shit storm started, when the doctors came in at the ass crack of dawn this morning, it looks like the infection might be getting better!! The lab results also show that the infection markers are coming down.

The past 4 days have pretty much sucked. I have gone through feeling like my daughter might die to wanting to die because of sleep deprivation. I’ve been in this hospital for 3 days, 2 nights, and I’m feeling a little cabin fever (she’s in isolation… she even has her own “Infectious Diseases” team. Woo Hoo!). But there is no way in hell that I’m leaving her.

At least she always wants me to sleep with her in her bed… it’s not great, but nothing in comparison to the chair/bed they have set up for parent sleeping. Torture doesn’t even begin to describe that contraption.

Besides wondering what is going to happen to my little girl, the hardest thing is not having ANY idea of when we’ll be able to go home. The doctors don’t even know. But this sign of improvement at least gives me some hope that sometime soon I’ll actually return home to the bed that I love.

So that’s been my fun filled week-soon-to-be-weekend. I can truly say that I feel lucky to live in a place that has great medical care and for health insurance!

Emma has truly been a trooper. Her spirits are high and she has charmed all of the staff with her cute personality.

Notice the crooked (but still very cute) smile. She has temporary (it better be!)
partial paralysis because the swelling is pressing on a nerve.