Bubble Wrap and a Helmet Please

I may not be the most graceful woman in the world, but I am not accident prone or terribly klutzy. After a few ‘incidents’ this past week (scroll down a few posts and you’ll see my Alpine Slide mishap), I think I need someone to wrap me in toilet paper and bubble wrap, and place a dip shit proof protective helmet upon my head. Any takers? Oh yes, and if you could type and text for me, brush my teeth, and occasionally wipe my ass (it’s only once a day!), that would be great.

Fresh off the presses… My Newly Fucked-Up Thumb! The result of a softball line drive gone wrong. Last night it was painful. But at 3 am, when I woke up and nearly ripped the damn digit off, I knew a morning visit to the InstaCare was in the cards for me. Official diagnosis: Severely jammed and a bone chip. Good times.

Because I’m a bloody cripple now, I couldn’t really get a picture that captures the lovely blue and blackness of it all, nor the swelling. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and I’m here to tell you that… HOLY SHIT THIS HURTS! But luckily I have the gigantic thumb brace that lets everyone know I’m kind of an idiot and will hopefully keep anyone from bumping my offending thumb (I would hate to have to scream obscenities at a perfect stranger). It’s awesome!

One more thing… it took me 30 f’ing minutes to type this stupid post.

To All Of You W.O.W. Fans

World of Warcraft… need I say more? This is dedicated to all of you (including some of my socially motarded friends) W.O.W. lovers.

‘Warcraft’ Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing ‘Warcraft’

Family Fun Times

Riddle me this: What is it about family reunions and holidays? I end up feeling like even more of a loser and failure than I normal do, which is pretty freaking sweet!

Remember last years reunion in Disneyland? Yeah, well, just like last year, there were some good times. And some not so good times. Yes, I crashed and f’ed up my arm (I did end up going to the InstaCare and was put on antibiotics). But we did a lot of fun things such as swimming, eating crap that can only make my ass expand, playing games, feeding horses, catching snakes, etc.

The kids had a wonderful time playing with their cousins, and it really was nice to see everyone. But now that I’m divorced, these family gatherings are the ultimate reminders that I’m the only one who couldn’t hack it. I feel like my nose is constantly being shoved in my shit (aka… my life) and my existence is my punishment. OK OK, that was pretty dramatic and not exactly how I feel, but you get my drift.

I should probably NOT watch my siblings with their respective mates. It doesn’t make me jealous per say, but it does remind me of what I had and lost. Sniff.

But I’m home, alive, mostly safe and sound.

Sane As I Ever Was

Here’s a little update from my fun filled family reunion (say THAT 10 times fast).

The kids are having a blast. I’m having fun but am also tired in a way that only those vacationing with 20 other people can understand. AND my arm is on absolute fire after my stupid Alpine Slide crash Thursday morning. The swelling and redness continue to get worse. Woo hoo! More on that to come. In the meantime, enjoy my pathetic picture :).

Kids Are Worth Their Weight In Rice

Before you call D.C.F.S. (Department of Child and Family Services), let me preface this by saying that I love my kids.

But school is out, and they are around me… all of the time. And beginning tomorrow, I get the joy (pfttt) of spending the next 4 days with them at a family reunion. OH YEAH!

I’m pretty sure I’d be a little more excited if I 1) wasn’t totally sleep deprived, 2) didn’t still have 4 bags to pack, 3) it were Sunday, and 4) I was a crack addict.

All this being said, this morning my adorable, sweet, and only slightly evil 8 year old brought me breakfast in bed. How freaking cute is that!?!

Yeah, it was frozen waffles that happened to have more syrup than actual waffle, but the gesture was so awesome that I ate them with a smile.

Next time I’m washing underwear with skid marks or scrubbing urine from the base of the toilet (is it really that hard to freaking hit the water!), I’m going to remember this morning.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

The past few years my love life has been disappointing to say the least.

I have felt like something was missing. That something was the love of a good man. But the “good man” proved to be a very elusive specimen. Who knew that I was just looking for the right thing in all the wrong places.

On that note, let me be the first to introduce you all to George! Our meeting would have never been possible had it not been for my amazing friend Carlie, who blessed me with this birthday gift! Thank you my dear 🙂

He is everything I could have hoped for and more (or I suppose I should say and less… the instructions clearly state: “WARNING: This is not THAT type of inflatable and therefore coitus is not recommended”. Yeah, so what! What he is “missing” in some areas he makes up by being a wonderful companion). He is only about 3 feet tall, but I am not one to judge someone just because they don’t fit the unrealistic standards of what society says is attractive. Like having real hair, or a pulse.

Here are just a few photos of George and I living it up. Not only is he a tender (often to a fault) lover, he is also a wonderful cook, has great stamina while working out, is great with the dog AND the kids, and gives great foot rubs in the tub :). Jealous girls? Get your own damn husband! The very best part is that my kids started calling him “Dad” the very first day without ANY prompting at all. Shit sugar, we’re a family!

Great things can come in small packages (NOT always the case)

Who knew something so plastic could be so romantic?!

George has some serious skills in the kitchen

A true sweetheart!

It Gives Me A Special Feeling

This one thing seems to sum up my week pretty well:

Today I sat on the steps of my porch, just to catch my breath for a minute. My dog, Gator, came up to give me a big wet kiss. It was at that moment when I realized that he must have recently eaten shit. I’m not sure if it was his own or not, but it seemed like the perfect ending the past 5 days.

Top 5

Here are my most recent favorite Top 5 “Internet Search Terms” that bring poor saps (or really creepy a-holes) to my blog:

5. How to be a man magnet.
4. Calories in poo (Who DOESN’T want to know!).
3. Staph infections in alcoholics (interesting… very interesting).
2. Laser pointer clitoris (Am I missing something?).
And my personal favorite:
1. Mother masterbate in front of you (seriously, I’ll pay for your therapy).

Cement, Blood, Tears and a Massage

Let me start by saying that it seems like I wasn’t the only one who had a less that optimal and slightly “off” weekend. Maybe it’s the changing of the season, or something in the air. Whatever it is, it blows (and not in a good way).

I worked on my tiling project in the basement all weekend. It’s not completely done, but I only have a few minor details to finish up. Because I’m a complete psycho, I can’t fully take a deep breath and relax until it’s all done, but I woke up this morning without feeling the urgency that has gotten my ass out of bed before 7 a.m. the past few days.

I’m not quite sure if it was a result of exhaustion, inhaling dust from the cement, or the weird lonely feeling that crept in, but I had a little breakdown yesterday. I was minding my own business, mixing grout, and BAM! I just started crying. I even wept a little. But then I worried that my salty tears might compromise the grout, and I nipped that shit in the bud. Crying is stupid (at least when I do it).

I am covered in cuts, scrapes, and a few impressive blisters. And I now remember why home improvement sucks. Except that I continue to do it. I think it’s kinda like childbirth… You forget how bad it sucks until you go through it again. And of course I now see about 30428 other things that I need/want to do.  I think I’ll let my mind and body heal a little before I tackle anything else.

On what COULD have been the upside, but turned out to be on the downside, I got a massage yesterday. I was soooo damn sore on Saturday that I knew I’d need the break, mentally and physically. The massage therapist cried during my entire massage. CRIED DURING MYYYYYY MASSAGE! She kept having to stop to blow her nose. Let’s just say that it was very awkward and very quiet in the room (except for her sobbing). On one hand, I felt really bad for her. Obviously something is going on in her life, and part of me wanted to ask her what was up and to offer her some support. On the other hand, I’m not doing so hot myself. And I’m paying… a lot… in an attempt to feel better. She also shorted me 15 minutes. So much for sweet relief.

Last night after cleaning up, I collapsed into the couch for about 30 minutes. And this sudden feeling of overwhelming loneliness came over me. I usually do really well being alone. I even like it. But I got this picture in my head: Me, age 50, sitting on that same couch, still alone. I can handle the single life right now. But the thought of this being my forever is, well, depressing.

See above paragraphs… it’s what I like to call BLAH BLAH BLAH, or complete nonsense.

But I’m taking bets on how long it takes me to get my laundry room back together.